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THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
CookingWithCarlo.com ^ | June 6 2005 | Unknown

Posted on 06/05/2004 10:16:56 PM PDT by carlo3b

THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO  SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but  I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but  I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good  for you?
4. I see you've set  aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once  you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try  being smarter.
7. I'm out of my  mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here   I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English,  but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has  visited us again...
11. I like you. You  remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent  mistrust of strangers.
13. I  have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape  over your mouth.
15. I will  always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you  doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality  and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I?   Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm  not being rude, you're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job,  but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion  would be...?
23. Do I look like  a people person?
24. This isn't an  office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing &  still have most of it left.
26.  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you  leave?
28. Errors have been  made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going  for, you missed.
30. Wait!   Wait! I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell  without a door.
32 Can I trade  this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough  circuses.
34. Nice  perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work  here is done.
36. How do I set a  laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I  just wanted a salary.
38. Who  lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it... like humor...  but different.

40. What liberal, candy-ass fool told you marrying a fat, rich, loud-mouthed, gas bag, automatically makes you right or smart.


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; Editorial; Extended News; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections; Unclassified; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: classless; funny; mean; pausefrompolitics; pullmyfinger; rude; unfunny; vulgarlanguage
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To: TheSpottedOwl

Excerpted from a trial transcript and quoted in "The Point of View," published by the Alameda county District Attorney's office...

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

PATHOLOGIST: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.


121 posted on 06/06/2004 10:51:54 AM PDT by jellybean (I have learned that the most important thing in America is freedom. Freedom is worth any sacrifice.)
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To: TheSpottedOwl


If you've ever called a Chinese restaurant you should understand this with no problem...


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes means"

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"


122 posted on 06/06/2004 10:57:25 AM PDT by jellybean (I have learned that the most important thing in America is freedom. Freedom is worth any sacrifice.)
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To: carlo3b

OMG, I'm a redneck!

This one didn't make the list so I'll add it for you...

When you know the best time to shop for furniture and clothes is the last evening of a holiday weekend...in back of the Goodwill store.


123 posted on 06/06/2004 11:15:28 AM PDT by TheSpottedOwl (Torrance Ca....land of the flying monkeys)
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To: carlo3b

Comic bump for later read (and use).


124 posted on 06/06/2004 11:26:23 AM PDT by MeneMeneTekelUpharsin (Freedom is the freedom to discipline yourself so others don't have to do it for you.)
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To: jellybean
A woman went to her doctor, complaining of chest pains. In the exam room, he asked her to remove her bra. She did, and he was astonished to see that her breasts reached the floor.
"My husband likes to play with my breasts during love making," the woman explained.
"Well, I like to play with my wife's breasts during love making too, but they don't look like THAT!" replied the doctor.
"Do you have bunk beds?"
125 posted on 06/06/2004 11:28:23 AM PDT by SpyktRose (WHAT media bias, you homophobic, anti-choice, religious, right-wing nut?)
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To: carlo3b

bttt


126 posted on 06/06/2004 11:30:34 AM PDT by jslade (People who are easily offended, OFFEND ME!)
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To: jellybean

Lol, it's starting to get that way here in the states!


127 posted on 06/06/2004 11:34:40 AM PDT by TheSpottedOwl (Torrance Ca....land of the flying monkeys)
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To: SpyktRose
That begs the obvious question...How long.....





.




...have they been sleeping in bunk beds????

128 posted on 06/06/2004 11:45:51 AM PDT by jellybean (I have learned that the most important thing in America is freedom. Freedom is worth any sacrifice.)
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To: jellybean
A man walk into a bar and is surprised to see a horse pouring drinks. The horse notices the man's surprise and asks if there is something wrong.
"Oh, no," says the man, "It's just that the giraffe ususally works on Tuesdays."
129 posted on 06/06/2004 12:14:18 PM PDT by SpyktRose (WHAT media bias, you homophobic, anti-choice, religious, right-wing nut?)
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To: al baby
Monica Lewinski thought that Bill Clinton when he retired would become a dentist.

He once told her that she had the whitest teeth he's ever come across.

130 posted on 06/06/2004 12:25:05 PM PDT by Radioactive
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To: carlo3b
Oh gosh, after over 600 rednecks quotes, what do you expect?

OK, this is me when I was little.


131 posted on 06/06/2004 12:26:42 PM PDT by Victoria Delsoul (I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born ~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: jellybean
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A baby seal walks into a club...

132 posted on 06/06/2004 12:59:18 PM PDT by Ichneumon
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To: carlo3b

Copying this and tacking it up in my cubicle right now :)


133 posted on 06/06/2004 2:19:35 PM PDT by Sunshine55 (Bush-Cheney 2004...By George, we've got ourselves a President!)
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To: carlo3b

I've wanted to ask many times, "Are you naturally gratuitously insulting or did you have to practice a long time?" or "The reason you don't understand what someone's telling you is not because he's a poor communicator but because you don't know enough to understand what he's telling you."


134 posted on 06/06/2004 8:32:58 PM PDT by aruanan
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To: Dundee

bump for later eading.


135 posted on 06/06/2004 8:48:28 PM PDT by Lokibob (All typos and spelling errors are mine and copyrighted!!!!)
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To: carlo3b

I've probably used about half of those lines in meetings in the past 4 or 5 weeks...


136 posted on 06/07/2004 7:40:48 AM PDT by Chad Fairbanks (You make me feel warm all over. No...wait...I'm soaking in a puddle of my own urine.)
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To: carlo3b
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Oh how I wish I could say this to my boss but I think I'll keep my mouth shut for now.

137 posted on 06/07/2004 8:16:49 AM PDT by muggs
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To: carlo3b

Bump for humor later.


138 posted on 06/07/2004 9:36:58 AM PDT by mommybain (not Walmart greeter material)
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To: mommybain
I know it's been almost a week since this thread started, but I needed cheering up.
Joke told by my seven-year-old niece-

Why couldn't the pirate see the movie?
Because it was rated "Arrr".

(BTW, my niece had no idea why we laughed at this.)

And, I didn't see this in this "subject walks into a bar" section.

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve rope here". So the rope walks out, twists himself up, and rolls on the ground.
He walks back into the bar, and the bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just threw out?"
"Nope," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
139 posted on 06/12/2004 5:48:15 AM PDT by SpyktRose (WHAT media bias, you homophobic, anti-choice, religious, right-wing nut?)
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