Posted on 06/05/2004 10:16:56 PM PDT by carlo3b
THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK40. What liberal, candy-ass fool told you marrying a fat, rich, loud-mouthed, gas bag, automatically makes you right or smart.1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Wait! Wait! I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Excerpted from a trial transcript and quoted in "The Point of View," published by the Alameda county District Attorney's office...
ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
PATHOLOGIST: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
PATHOLOGIST: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
PATHOLOGIST: No.
ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
PATHOLOGIST: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
If you've ever called a Chinese restaurant you should understand this with no problem...
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes means"
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
OMG, I'm a redneck!
This one didn't make the list so I'll add it for you...
When you know the best time to shop for furniture and clothes is the last evening of a holiday weekend...in back of the Goodwill store.
Comic bump for later read (and use).
bttt
Lol, it's starting to get that way here in the states!
.
...have they been sleeping in bunk beds????
He once told her that she had the whitest teeth he's ever come across.
OK, this is me when I was little.
A baby seal walks into a club...
Copying this and tacking it up in my cubicle right now :)
I've wanted to ask many times, "Are you naturally gratuitously insulting or did you have to practice a long time?" or "The reason you don't understand what someone's telling you is not because he's a poor communicator but because you don't know enough to understand what he's telling you."
bump for later eading.
I've probably used about half of those lines in meetings in the past 4 or 5 weeks...
Oh how I wish I could say this to my boss but I think I'll keep my mouth shut for now.
Bump for humor later.
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