10 Great Excuses For Not Reading Your Bible

The Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 26, 2022 | BabylonBee.com

[fidelis]

We get it. It's hard to read the divinely inspired word of the creator of the universe. He's so judgy! But, since your salvation might depend on it, you better get some great excuses ready to share on Judgment Day.

Here are some of the best excuses for not reading your Bible:

1. You just went to church last month and don't want to overdo it: You don't want to be an extremist!

2. It's not as encouraging as Your Best Life Now: Joel Osteen's prose is to die for.

3. If you take your eye off the Hot Pocket you're microwaving for one second it might burn: And then you'd be hungry! God wouldn't want that.

4. You already watched The Chosen: It's so hard to get into a good book if you already know how it ends.

5. Those 900 Korok seeds in Zelda: Breath of the Wild aren't going to collect themselves: Finding Korok seeds is a metaphor for finding Christ probably.

6. You're Donald Trump and don't need forgiveness: He has never done anything wrong, ever.

7. You're still recovering from the story of Ehud: Enough to give anyone PTSD.

8. You misplaced your copy and new ones are so hard to find: You have to walk all the way to the back of Barnes & Noble.

9. The Jordan Peterson lecture on Genesis you watched has you covered: Up yours woke moralists! We'll see who cancels who from paradise!

20. It's not like the Bible is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work, or anything like that: 'Cause if it were, you'd definitely meditate on it day and night.

[metmom]

Ping to post 109 for an example of what I was referring to.

Thanks, Elsie (although I did not request him to do so)

[metmom]

The immaculate conception is beyond wishful thinking.

And it’s completely and thoroughly unscriptural.

Mary was a common Jewish girl with the right lineage and in the right time and place to fulfill prophesy. She was a sinner, like every other human being, and in need of redemption from her sins, just like everyone else.

The whole rationale for her alleged sinlessness actually only leads to a weak Christ who could not have been born sinless if His mother wasn’t.

But then again, Mary’s parents weren’t sinless were they?

And yet Catholicism teaches that God could do for Mary, be born sinless of sinful parents, what He could not do for Jesus, have HIM be born sinless of a sinful mother.

Do you ever stop to think about the illogic of that whole mentality?

[Elsie]

You got a lot of words.

Have any Scripture that guides you?

[Elsie]

She lives, body and soul,

Says who?
Does she have her OLD body, the SINLESS one, or a new (sinless) one?

[Elsie]

She lives, body and soul,

Let's try some easy math:

 

 

 

There are approximately 1.2 billion Catholics world wide;

 

If merely 1% of them  'ask' Mary for help just once each day;

 

that means that 12 million separate prayers are headed Mary's direction every day.

 

Given that there are 86,400 seconds per day... (24 hours times 60 minutes times 60 seconds)

 

...that means that Mary has to handle approximately 139 'requests' per second!

 

Purty good fer someone NOT 'divine'!

[Elsie]

You mean to say that the cat is lacking?

[Elsie]

That's a long list.

There's probably more, but my time was running out as I compiled that one.

[Elsie]

The words of Christ are a lot of things.
One thing they are not is “lame”.

Behold your mother.

125 posted on 7/29/2022, 8:53:51 AM by one guy in new jersey

[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 109 | View Replies | Report Abuse]

 

 

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To: Elsie

Don’t put your mother down, Elsie.

1257 posted on 7/29/2022, 9:53:51 AM by one guy in new jersey

[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 111 | View Replies | Report Abuse]

I think that KR was commenting on your claim that Mary is MY mother. Now that IS lame!

[Elsie]

Following the proclamation of the dogma (Ineffabilis Deus) of the Immaculate Conception by Pius IX (r. 1846-78),

 

18 centuries later?

 

What took so long?

[Elsie]

“Our Lady of the Lake” seems to be a name given to a church and not a title applied to Jesus’ mom.

[Elsie]

One reason I would do so is because that it is what the Church teaches.

Bingo.

But it is NOT included in the Book that Rome assembled so long ago.

[Elsie]

OOooooh!

[fidelis]

Reread my reply carefully. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

[Elsie]

Various proclamations by the Holy Father Pope Francis has been wowing everyone, the faithful and otherwise, since 13 March 2013.

[Elsie]

...unwilling to waste time on people that can’t carry on a civil conversation, especially if they profess to be Christians.

Here are some words from a fella the professed to be the Christ!!

Mark 7:26-27
 26.  The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.
 27.  "First let the children eat all they want," he told her, "for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

 

[Elsie]

Here are some words from a fella who professed to be a FOLLOWER of the Christ!!

Galatians 5:12
   As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!

 

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Snarkiness seems to go WAY back...

[Elsie]

What is your Scriptural proof that Mary was sinless?

Scriptural proof??

We don't got no Scriptural proof!

We don't need no steenking Scriptural proof!

[Elsie]

When the pope speaks, the thinking is OVER!

[Elsie]

Yo!

Amigo!!

It appears that you are thinking about the Living Prophet® not the pope.

--Mormon_Dude(Hail Joseph!)

[Elsie]

They are based on the unbiblical notion of Sola Scriptura (the Bible alone) which I do not ascribe to.

Hey!

If Catholics can ascribe to unbiblical notions; why can't we PROTS??