Angry Arminian Mob Pulls Down Statue Of John Calvin

Babylon Bee ^

[Gamecock]

PITTSBURGH, PA—A rowdy gang of angry, riled-up Arminian believers gathered to pull down a statue of Reformer John Calvin standing in front of Calvin Reformed Bible College & Seminary, authorities confirmed Friday.

The band of Wesleyan troublemakers brought a rope, lassoed it around the neck of the stone likeness of Calvin, and yanked it down while yelling rallying cries like “Down with limited atonement!” “You’ll never take our free will!” and “For Servetus!”

Mob members then stomped on the statue and spray-painted crude Arminian slogans on the downed Reformer, according to police reports.

“We encourage all citizens to stay indoors as this dangerous gang of theological hooligans roams the streets,” police chief Ed Patterson said at a press conference. “When you get the Arminians going, there’s no extent to the depravity they can display.”

“Stay safe out there, and may God bless you all,” the police officer concluded before ducking to avoid an on-fire copy of Why I Am Not A Calvinist hurled by a rogue protester in the crowd.

[Gamecock]

Oh, I forgot, this is satire.

[Gamecock]

ping

[madison10]

ROFL. Good one.

[shadeaud]

who cleans up the debris

[Salvavida]

The Arminian mob will be enlightened soon enough. Thank God the faith isn’t built on statues.

[madison10]

...or predestination

[Skywise]

What?! I don’t even... oh... the bee...

[Dr. Sivana]

I’m no Calvinist, but shouldn’t John Calvin be against having a statue of himself place for respect and admiration?

[kaehurowing]

It was predestined to happen.

[Salvavida]

.....or maverick molecules..........

[Gamecock]

There is no adoration going on so it is OK.

[windsorknot]

Look for the statue of Hobbes to be the next target.

[Fiji Hill]

Maybe the Calvinists will retaliate and topple John Wesley from Bovard Tower at the University of Southern California. And Wesley may be worried, because from his perch, he watched as the statue of Rufus von KleinSmid, arguably USC's greatest president, was removed because it was found that he supported eugenics during the 1920's. The Von KleinSmid Ceenter, which houses the International Relatoions, Political Science and Public Administration schools is also being renamed.

John Wesley, Bovard Tower, USC

[left that other site]

This satire is Totally, Irresistibly, Unconditionally hysterical, and most, who have Limited senses of humor, might not get it. But...we Persevere.

It was predestined.

[EvilCapitalist]

I love Calvin & Hobbes.

[Maudeen]

Fooled again. . . .the regular headlines are so bizarre these days that anything is possible.

[kaehurowing]

The actions of such people are totally depraved.

[rlmorel]

There seems to be so much real madness that this satire just seemed to be another small toxic dose.

[McGavin999]

Lol, the Bee just gets better and better.