Posted on 08/20/2006 10:59:12 AM PDT by Gamecock
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Calling it a "better use of resources," the General Council of the Assemblies of God voted to spend $2.3 million — their entire 2004 evangelism budget — on converting Madonna.
"Dollar for dollar, this is a great plan," said AG spokesman Sean Taylor. "If she gets saved, think of the legions of fans that will follow her."
The novel evangelism attempt will include buying space on every billboard near the singer's homes in Los Angeles, New York and London. Some billboards will read, "Madonna, we've got to talk. God," and, "Spiritual girl — has a nice ring, doesn't it?" Each will carry the number for the AG's prayer line, 1-800-4PRAYER.
The AG will also purchase commercial time on her favorite television shows, send airplanes with banners over her homes and pack her concerts with believers who hold up signs that say "Madonna, Come to Jesus!"
The AG has struggled with declining membership in the past decade and has "opened up to fresh evangelism approaches," says an insider. But AG ministers from Texas and Oklahoma put up strong resistance to the Madonna idea.
"Madonna's done so much filthy stuff, I personally wouldn't mind if she went to hell," said an executive presbyter from Abilene, Texas. "I particularly didn't like her 'Sex' book, which, to me, had very little redeeming content."
The naysayers were outvoted by a strong California contingent, and a renegade group of Midwest pastors. "We had to make a statement as a denomination that we're not dying on the vine," said Warren Mitzke from San Jose, Calif. "We're willing to take risks."
And if the effort fails?
"We'll go back to funding obscure inner-city ministries and missionaries and all that," said Taylor. "It's just that once in a while you've got to go for the big fish." •
Care to do the honors?
FYI
My heavens....
Too little, too late. Whom did Jesus seek out? The oppressed, the weak and the humble. They were the ones most eager to slip the bonds of sin.
That kind of thinking is by nature lost on us, and, like the eternal benefits earned by the crucified Christ and distributed to this day through humble means, is only revealed and impressed by the Holy Spirit. The idea of beefing up the coffers by virtue of a popular convert is nearly as perverse as Madonna.
She's the devil's bridesmaid.
The congregation need new leadership.
Someone is trying too hard to be funny.
THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR. 
| In Ecclesiasties 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?" Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision". Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming". But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us. As Christians, we should learn to laugh more. |
That said, why was I asked to include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you that Gamecock's thread was not to be taken seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance , telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process.
Case in point: Gamecock rents some farmland up in North Dakota (he has seventeen chickens and five cows of his own, plus a sickly burro that belongs to the owner). It's a rent-to-own agreement, but it stipulates that if anything happens to the owner's animal, Gamecock is forced to assume ownership and all debts attached to this house & field immediately, and he's not ready for that just yet. Now Gamecock contacted me about this thread extremely worried because his ag insurance agent doesn't cover livestock injuries caused by jocularus vacuous. Thus, he wanted to borrow my satire disclaimer to make sure his donkey is covered, else he may have to purchase the farm early. And now you know.
So if it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than to not know a joke when you're staring at it, but others don't think as much of you. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.
Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.
Okay - this is a parody, right?
As opposed to the God-centered religion, it is typical of all the various representations of the man-centered religion to actually think it can convert anyone.
Excuse my previous post - I only read the headline and didn't realize until aftwards that what you posted was satire. Sorry. :)
Ha! You got me. I guess the idea had a true enough ring to it, not being familiar with AG teaching and practice. For all I knew this could be a true account, with all the focus on mighty and glorious manifestations of the Church these days.
Brother, thanks for covering my donkey.
You keep him covered now, and don't let any kids jump on him or try to bust him.
Germans to monitor Madonna Concert
It's not satire, but it shows the Germans don't consider her to be a "laughing matter!"
So, that's taken the place of THE ONION?
What a silly thing for TULIP to cheer!
"Spiritual girl — has a nice ring, doesn't it?"
Isn't it about time to stop calling her "girl"?
LOL!!! You got me.
The trouble is so much of this is too true. Most people may not recall when everyone was making such a fuss about the conversion of Bob Dylan. They said the exact same things.
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