The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[MineralMan]

"Men do not care about being friends with there wives, they could care less if the have anything in common with them.
"

Try using the word _some_ in that sentence, just before "men." I'm a man, and I can guarantee you that my wife is now, and has been, my best friend, since before we were married. That friendship has kept us happy, even in times when other things were really tough. I highly recommend friendship in marriage.

[Desdemona]

If I am an in-shape, well-paid, house-cleaning, caring dad and loving husband who cooks at least 3 days a week and puts the lid down, isn't that enough?

Do you move the furniture when you clean?

Seriously, I've read enough of these threads now to conlude that a lot of the vitriol is caused by unrealistc expectations. I come from a family where there are few divorces (those marriages were doomed from the beginning anyway) and truthfully, as I've watched my own parents (who raised five of us) and the relatives, marriage isn't a bed of roses all the time. Things don't always go the way we want them to. And the modern idea is to throw away scraps and start over rather than pick them up and patch. Sacrafice and compromise is a part of it and in the environment we live in a lot of people don't know how to do either.

That does not excuse women (or men for that matter) who are not faithful to their husbands or their commitments. It happens both ways. It does not excuse women for letting themselves go after marriage or nagging their spouses to death when it would be faster and done right if you just do it yourself.

That being said, the feminists and their lap-dog boy-toys have ruined a lot for us ladies who followed them (we, the gals who were raised to be wives). Men are afraid of being taken to the cleaners. Plain and simple. Also, as a practicing Catholic, I do believe that lack of religious formation in the previous 30 years hasn't helped. It all is just one vicious circle. Put that with girls 10 years my junior looking for guys my age and some guy is going to miss out on perfectly ironed shirts.

[bert]

...who couldn't plan....

A reason near the top of the list.

Excessive planning is a primary reason for divorce when circumstance alters reality.

A woman who plans obsessivly should be avoided like the plague.

[mattdono]

Think, folks, before you marry. Marriage isn't primarily about getting laid regularly.

Well, your comments are a little jingoistic for me, though I understand what you mean. My wife is my best friend. I married my wife for a lot of different reasons, one of them, though, was that she was and is hot. I really don't have any problem looking at other woman because I have a healthy obsession with my wife. There is no other woman on earth that I would 1) rather talk to, 2) have children with, and 3) spend every waking day of the rest of my life making love to her.

Part of marriage is, as you so crudely put it, is "getting laid regularly". I agree that it isn't the primary function, but it should be a REGULAR.

[dogbrain]

"National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC,..."

CDC....

....Center for Disease Control...?

[MineralMan]

"There are a lot of men out there who aren't willing to be saddled with a domineering, left leaning, man-hating, control freak, bitch for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women out there that fit that description. I've seen the effects of marriage. You have no life apart from office, home, and family. It is not for me!"

So, find a woman who's not like that. You don't have to marry someone like that, do you?

[longtermmemmory]

Men let it happen because the argument of "fair play" was used.

This whole article fails in one gigantic point. It blames men for not wanting marriage. Newsflash, men will only mary a desireable woman. Feminists and feminist attitudes are not desirable marriage material.

Most no fault laws and divorce laws were made to protect CHILDREN. Divorce laws were made to divide PROPERTY. No big secret there. (like the great society went from protecting fatherless families and single mothers morphing to mandating fatherless families and encouraging single mothers.)

The argument I have heard is that women "changed" their demands and men have not. Women have been sold a con job and now have no way out.

[MineralMan]

"Part of marriage is, as you so crudely put it, is "getting laid regularly". I agree that it isn't the primary function, but it should be a REGULAR."

Of course, and so it will be if you marry wisely.

[Gorjus]

What, you mean the half that don't fail?

A classic way to lie with statistics.

Joe and Sally marry and stay together all their lives.
Tom and Mary do the same.
Bill and Kathy do also.

Dick marries Jane, June, and Joan, and gets divorced three times.

So, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, right?

People who are willing to make true commitments to each other are out there, and in large numbers. But the statistics are dominated by the hedonists.

[missyme]

Hmmm Loose women: 75% of women have contracted Human Papilomavirus AKA: HPV from multiple sexual partners, men are carriers but usually do not have any symptoms.

Besides: AIDS, STD's Herpes is on the rise, unwanted pregnancies, infertility, pelvic inflammatory disease and a host of other problems.

Think I would rather have 1 partner or none at all, guess I'm not a risk taker.

[Destructor]

"So, find a woman who's not like that. You don't have to marry someone like that, do you?"

That's the problem. The good ones get taken quickly! What's left isn't worth having for very long. I'm looking at getting an internet bride in the near future. I've got a couple of friends that did, and they're in very happy marriages.

[agrace]

To an atheist it would seem pretty strange I guess. :) But the reason FourPeas stated it as such is because biblically speaking, that's how it should be - loyalty to God first and family second, and with the knowledge that if God IS put first, your family is NEVER neglected. That goes for the wife too by the way.

And some great marriage advice from you on this thread too. You said in an earlier post -

Are you marrying because, along with the sex, you find your prospective partner to be the best friend you ever had? Then marry, by all means.

Absolutely. My husband and I have been married for ten years, we will both attest to the fact that we are best friends, have been since we got serious during dating, and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else on the planet.

These threads are such a mixed bag for me. They are depressing because so much negativity about marriage is expressed by the guys, but who can blame you all, you have great points. And at the same time it reminds me how precious my marriage is, and how rare these days, which is also sad. It infuriates me to read that women - in the name of liberation, how ironic is that - are so loose with themselves, thanks to the ridiculous modern culture summed up by the sluts of Sex in the City, and that no one can trust anyone else long enough anymore to build something real and lasting. Ugh, stop ranting already, I could go on...

[Bikers4Bush]

You are 100% correct.

Until they stop forcing men to pay for kids that they didn't father the whole system will remain suspect.

[Desdemona]

A woman who plans obsessivly should be avoided like the plague.

It depends on what/how she is planning. Big, elaborate weddings, which are so just because that's what everybody is doing, yes. Unless, only family and the neighborhood are invited.

Now, if she is planning on avoiding taxes, this is a problem?

[longtermmemmory]

no they thought it would get them sex.

Ever see pictures of the sufferagettes? Those were desperate guys.

[old-ager]

"when no fault divorce laws were inacted: most law makers were men; most judges were men; most governors were men. Why on earth did men get themselves in this pickle?"

Exactly! This question is not put forth enough. The answers won't be well known until more folks ask the question.

[null and void]

Especially...never marry a liberal woman!

A-FREEKING-Men.

Hint: You can NOT change them. They are TOTALLY immune to reason, logic, or even learning from their own experiences.

And you, as a guy, are PERSONALLY responsible for every eeeeeevil that has ever happened in recorded history, or before...

[FreedomAvatar]

Exactly. You're doubly screwed. And unless you come to some agreement, you can't even claim the kids as dependents. Of course, when the kids are with me, I still have to feed them, and provide for them. The custodial parent (who is overwhelmingly mom) holds all the cards. But there is a glimmer of hope for us dads. It's the Galluzo case pending before the SC of Ohio. If we get a favorable ruling, it could restore our lost constitutional rights as it would likely have effects far beyond Ohio.

Cross your fingers.

[Protagoras]

Just a small matter, but among the many and growing injustices toward men, is the one where divorced men are forced to pay for illegitimate bastards from the wife's fooling around.

I don't agree that it's a small matter. It is a matter of fundamental importance. It shifts responsibility from the truly responsible party to another.

[FourPeas]

Your theory on older men and younger women is fascinating. I found exactly the same thing about 20 years ago when I met the man who was to become Mr. FourPeas. There's 11 years difference in our age and at the time the one thing that attracted me to him most was his maturity -- not as in being an old geezer (lol) but he didn't have all the insecurities that men my age did.