The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[riri]

ummm, because women ballon up to 250 pounds shortly thereafter?

[CoolPapaBoze]

Boy, you're not kidding. I am 34, live in the Bay area and recently got married (to a girl from back home Louisiana). If I were single and living here, why the hell would I get married? The conversations I have about the "dating" scene here with single colleagues, particularly the females, absolutely blow my mind. Dating is probably the wrong verb. Where were these loose women when I was single? It's an old corny phrase, but why would you buy the cow when you can get the milk for free indeed.

[ASA Vet]

why did men let this happen?

For the same reason men proposed and ratified Amendment XIX in 1920.

Their wives made them.

[montag813]

Wish I were 20 again...

You said it brother. Even the geeks are getting laid these days. And girls consider it their duty to orally service as many guys as ask, with no strings of course.

[Dubh_Ghlase]

I can honestly say that "marrying within your faith" is a big plus to making a marriage work. Mine just past 25 and is going strong.

However, on the flip side: (Taking religion/faith out) I have found many women now use marriage, children, and divorce as a business. They marry, have a kid or 2, then divorce, taking at least half the assets and putting the husband (who may not be the father) on the hook financially for decades to come. Some don't even wait for kids. They hook an older, more financially secure man, live with him awhile, then she's off with the wallet. In Florida, it's 50/50 for assets acquired during the marriage. The woman gets the ring, then gets the new hubby to spring for new digs, new cars, vacation condo, etc. Then the split comes and he really gets nailed in the assets! Too sad for words...

[MineralMan]

"Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother."

The kids are her flesh and blood, but husband is just some guy she met at a party who now works to support her family."

Then that guy married the wrong person. Sheesh! The advice is out there, but people don't take it. "Marry in haste; repent at leisure."

Marry someone who is also a terrific friend; someone whose children will be yours, and whom you agree with on almost everything. Marry for sex, primarily, and you'll be in big trouble down the road.

[bayourod]

I do the same for any girl with no string.

[montomike]

As a divorced male (amiable divorce, no kids involved, she wrote me a check and kept the house!):

Why would anyone put up with a woman's crap? They take over your life, make you feel guilty about having an extra beer, think they can mold you when they won't change themselves, ad nauseum.

Especially...never marry a liberal woman!

[NEWwoman]

Another female perspective: A divorce happened to a male relative and I see a lot of truth to this article. They were childless, she contributed little monetarily to the marriage, she left him, lived with another man, initiated the divorce, she took him to the cleaners. He had retired, but was forced to go back to work, which his wages are garnished, she has 1/3 of his pension, he has to refinance to pay her part of the house - though she did not make the mortgage payments.

I hate to say it - but I see men getting a raw deal with no fault divorce and I don't blame them for reacting this way.

[xrp]

The conversations I have about the "dating" scene here with single colleagues, particularly the females, absolutely blow my mind.

What exactly are the women on the WEST coast saying? Just wondering...

[MineralMan]

"Where were these loose women when I was single? "

Why marry a "loose woman." Or, on the other side, why marry a man who can't keep his eyes off every pretty girl who walks by.

Think, folks, before you marry. Marriage isn't primarily about getting laid regularly.

[george wythe]

[IronJack]

There is virtually no benefit to men in marriage today, but there are acres of pitfalls. In typical socialist fashion, the Left has "equalized" the marriage relationship by imposing incredible hardships on men should the couple divorce. As an unforeseen consequence, men are simply refusing to accept the risk of ruin for the minimal "rewards" of marriage.

Marriage has been turned into an act of prostitution, with the state ensuring the hooker gets paid.

[ASA Vet]

You know why older men date young girls? Because they can.

There's an old Thai saying which translates roughly to,
"Old bulls like young grass."

[FourPeas]

Your idea of finding a Christian woman who takes marriage seriously is a good one. Be prepared, though, that such a woman usually expects the man to be a serious Christian who takes his responsibility to the family as his #2 priority, second only to God.

[Thommas]

...when no fault divorce laws were inacted: most law makers were men; most judges were men; most governors were men.

Easy answer. The men were mostly Democrats - free lovin', feminist inspired, ultra-liberal, utopian-communist Democrats. Any RINO's involved were those "socially liberal" types who wanted to curry favor with all those liberated fems.

Moral of the story; when you want to destroy a society, take the liberal path, sit back, watch the guts of a country spill into the gutter of history.

[HIDEK6]

Why do brides look so radiant?

Because they realize they have given their last (euphemism for oral sex).

[MineralMan]

"Marriage has been turned into an act of prostitution, with the state ensuring the hooker gets paid."

That's crap! How about all those happy marriages out there, of long duration and children and grandchildren? How about looking for a partner with whom you'll have a long, happy marriage?

Marriage just for sex is just plain stupid.

[TheDon]

I think they are holding out hope....

[MineralMan]

"Your idea of finding a Christian woman who takes marriage seriously is a good one. Be prepared, though, that such a woman usually expects the man to be a serious Christian who takes his responsibility to the family as his #2 priority, second only to God."

Gosh, what a strange expectation! If you're not ready to make your family a top priority, don't marry. It's that simple.