Single and Alone or the Holidays

self ^ | 23 December 2001 | grumpster"Ho,Ho, Ho" dumpster

[grumpster-dumpster]

For many single adults, the Christmas Season is a “personally uncomfortable” time of the year. The loneliness factor seems to grow by leaps and bounds… all the gift giving and “Holiday Spirit” and the general party mood can actually be quite overwhelming to the singe adult.

Now, normally I try to view life with a non-serious eye. I think it’s better to laugh at folly than be trampled by it. But this year was somewhat different…This year I discovered an active resistance to organizing a get-together for adults to share Christmas in a non-threatening, casual environment… Just a nice party where single Christians could all meet and socialize…maybe have a “pot-luck,” BYOB, hire a “DJ” and exchange small (under $5) gifts to one another on Christmas afternoon.

It’s absolutely unbelievable the amount of non-cooperation I received from the churches in my area. (I’m Catholic…but my idea was for a non-denominational event.)

- The Baptist’s said they couldn’t be part of any event where liquor was allowed…besides they had already invited the single members to share Christmas day with other families (Just what a single wants to do…sit around and watch someone else’s kids open presents.)

- The Methodist’s said they already hold an event for the singles…turns out to be a “youth-group” function (Just what a single adult wants to do…sit around with a 20 year-old discussing his/her weighty insights into life.)

- The Lutheran’s hold a “prayer/home-alone” dinner…with assistance from the “Youth-Group” so no booze allowed. (Another “winner” for the single adult…let’s toast good-cheer with Dr. Pepper.)

- The Catholic Church said : “It will interfere with the Bishop’s dinner he hold’s every year for people alone.” I learned that this dinner is for “the poor” (meaning bums in the area). Undaunted, I tried to volunteer to help out at the event but was told the “volunteers” would be high-school kids (I was in high-school 30 years ago…so I didn’t make the cut.)

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not complaining about these churches trying to help out needy families, kid’s, the homeless, or whatever by having their own programs at Christmas and throughout the year… God bless them for their outpouring of love and generosity!

But; I am complaining about the way Churches treat single adults… Look, we’re not asking for money, or sympathy, or even for a “free meal”…but do you have to reject our willingness to volunteer and help out (Just try to be a single adult man and ask Mrs. Goodness N. Sweetness what you can bring to the “pot-luck!” She’ll probably tell you either “Nothing! Just Yourself.” Or worse; “Oh, just bring some soda or ice, maybe a bag of chips… Anything that will make you “feel” like your part of the family…which your not, of course…)
Can’t we just get an unused room to hold a get-together? And would it be too much trouble to “spread-the-word” about this event to the single adults in the congregation?

This is an open invitation for Single, Divorced, or Widowed Freepers, who are spending the Holiday’s alone to comment. What are your plans? Why aren’t you doing anything…or what are you going to do? Are you looking forward to Christmas and New Years day with the “family?” Would you prefer to be doing something else? Do your churches hold any events for single adults? Do your suggestions or initiatives get rejected by your church?

I would really like to know I there are any of you out there who are just as frustrated at the “lip-service” singles get…especially at this time of the year!

In all sincerity (really!): I wish each of you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Inge_CAV]

"Single and alone for the holidays sounds pretty good from where I sit, having to make nicey-nice with my horrible, hateful in-laws... ."

Been there, done that. Hope to never do it again. I will take being single anytime rather than go through that again.

Had always heard that when you got married to expect nuttiness from your inlaws. Mine were the genuine thing.

[shaggy eel]

,,, JFK once said "forgive your enemies but never forget their names." That works for friends too. I used to get Christmas dinner invites from some unlikely acquaintances - people I've always remembered for those kindnesses. I turned them down with some embarassment and a lie that I was already going to someone else's place, but "thanx so much". You know, the people who should have asked me didn't and I always keep that in the back of my mind too.

[xm177e2]

If Churches don't like sinners, why do they allow ANYONE inside?

And I thought the idea of a church was to bring sinners in so they would STOP sinning, not to shun them.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Trust me, I know how you feel. I haven't been with anyone on Christmas since 1978. I go to church, but when they ask where I am going for Christmas and I say that I will just be home alone and probably sleep in, they say " That's too bad" and move on. I will admit, it's a killer to drive home from Christmas morning service and see all the beautiful homes with the Christmas lights on and all the cars in the driveway. No one knows what to do with singles, they treat us like poison.

[Christopher]

So what's wrong with being single?

You can stay out as long as you want. You can go wherever you want, and do whatever you want.

You can leave books and magazines about guns, cars, and beer sitting out on the kitchen table. You're never expected to behave. You can keep "Animal House", "Slapshot", and "The Life of Brian" on continuous replay on the DVD player.

You can wait 'til morning -or the day after- to pitch the empty pizza box and beer cans. You don't have to hear "Your friends are morons..." every time they come over. You never have to go to the mall (I think that should count as 2 or 3 points).

You can walk around in your boxers all day. You can pick your nose and actually take the time to inspect your boogies. You can go a whole day without the phone being used. Your diet need only consist of ramen noodles and Guinness. You don't have to remember any dates.

And the problem is...?

[connectthedots]

You know, the people who should have asked me didn't and I always keep that in the back of my mind too.

My wife divorced me this summer and left town, not for another guy, but because she couldn't handle the stress of some legal action I am involved in. I did not get a single invitation from anyone at my church, but a couple (married, but both previously divorced) at a chuch where I have started going to for a singles group, invited singles who had no where else to go for Thanksgiving. I accepted, and I didn't even know them, as did about 10 other singles. We started at noon and had such a great time, most people stayed until 10 p.m. My advice to you is to accept that invitation. Chances are, they have been where you are and you would have a great time. I'm going back for Christmas, too.

[Mr_Magoo]

It's mid-February when the real depression sinks in.

It is December through January for me. I even withdraw from FR for a while this time of year.

I am divorced because the ex liked to sleep around while I was at work. I was hit with the divorce papers on Christmas Eve, the final Decree came on my birthday in January. Almost seems like she planned it that way to hurt as much as possible.

That was over 10 years ago, and I have had no desire to date anyone sense then.

[FR_addict]

It's been awhile, but I remember being single and alone ( at least no adult company). Your post brought back a lot of memories. I think you have a very valid point. Many of us don't have family that we can visit for the holidays.

Churches could do a better job of helping singles feel a part of the community.

[summer]

Two suggestions:

(1) change your name from "grumpster-dumpster" to something more appealing, like "Fantastic Single Guy"

(2) Search on the web for an organization in your area that combines (a) volunteer work work with (b) singles, so you will meet new people in a non-threatening situation where you can get to know someone.

Good luck, and Merry Christmas! :)

[summer]

(a) volunteer work work with (b) singles, = (a) volunteer work, working with (b) singles,

[Ditter]

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be alone at Christmas or any other time. I hope you find someone to be with not just at Christmas but forever.

[jackbill]

After I divorced I pretty much was dropped by my church (Catholic)

Ditto!

[michigander]

I'm going to the bishops dinner to try and corner him and find out why all the resistance to "Employed, Single, Adults?" (Shoud I wear a tie?)

I haven't been with anyone on Christmas since 1978.

Here's an idea.
Heck with the Bishop, go see HLL wearing just the tie.
;-)

[grumpster-dumpster]

"change your name from "grumpster-dumpster" to something more appealing, like "Fantastic Single Guy"

Are you kidding! I just hired a lawyer to have my name legally changed to "grumpster-dumpster!" And another thing: the name "Fantastic Single Guy" would make me sound ike a democrat member of PFLAG! Come-on...admit it! When you see a screen name like "Fantastic Single Guy" you think of a homo-underwear model named Lance! NOOO! Thank you!

Merry Christmas to you and yours! :)

[foolscap]

That is a very sad story to hear. I am aways amazed at the unnessary pain people inflict on each other in relationships. My ex did a lot of rotten stuff too and it took me a long time to realize it was because he was a selfish worthless human being and not because I had done anything to deserve it. It was years before I could date again but I finally came to the place where I determined that one sadistic bastard was not going to destroy my future. It's too bad he got such a big hunk of my past.

[shaggy eel]

,,, sorry - may have misled you. I was lonely and recall Christmas times after my marriage broke up back in Dec 1994. Time has passed and I'm now very happy to the point where I get married again in February. I won't give you the Klinton line "I feel your pain", but I can say use the time alone as a gift. It sounds weird but you can map out what you want from life and do a lot of thinking. Nothing lasts forever. Stay positive, take up opportunities and know that everything is time and place.

Have a great Christmas and all the best for 2002.

[jackbill]

It's getting late, so the possibilities are probably limited. If you end up being alone, I suggest that you start a thread here on FR on Christmas morning. After reading some of this thread, I suspect that one will most likely be one of the longest ever.

I know where you're coming from. Been there, done that, and have a few T-shirts.

In any event, have as Merry a Christmas as you can, and remember, it'll be all over in a week or so.

[AppyPappy]

My thoughts were that there is something seriously wrong if a pastor cannot counsel a woman in his church alone without having to worry about everybody gossiping.

As a church youth worker, I would never allow myself to be alone with a female. It's just bad karma. It has nothing to do with gossip. It has to do with avoiding an appearance of impropriety.

[Inge_CAV]

Ok, this post hasn't been pulled yet so BTTT! : )

[sistergoldenhair]

Is there a military base near you?
In my community there is a long standing tradition of inviting military personnel into private homes for holiday celebrations.
Many have never been separated from family during the holidays. Although the base provides many parties and get togethers, there's nothing like a home cooked meal and falling asleep in front of the tv.