Posted on 03/13/2019 8:55:42 PM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Recently, I noticed my friend Leila Miller repeating online that she does not insist that people remain living with an abusive spouse. My inclination was to say, “Stop! You don’t need to say it again!”
Around the same time, I noticed that I was about to repeat myself on a seemingly unrelated topic. I started thinking, “What exactly is going on here?” My answer: We are dealing with weaponized self-pity, not a good-faith question.
Miller is the author of Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. She gives voice to the adult children whose lives were disrupted by their parents’ divorces. This is the context in which people continually challenge her about abusive marriages. “Why,” Miller asks herself in frustration, “do I have to keep assuring people that no one is required to remain living in abusive situations?”
I’ve had this experience myself. Like Miller, I point out how difficult divorce can be for children. Our focus is on the children, their lifelong suffering and what we can do about it, as individuals and as a society.
The children of divorce, even as adults, have become accustomed to being silenced. As children, they were expected to go along with whatever the adults decided to do. Their parents’ love often seems uncertain and fragile. Challenging the parents’ interpretation of events risks that love.
Even as adults and even outside their families, children of divorce often hesitate to speak up. When they state that divorce was hard for them, people regularly shut them down. In fact, some children of divorce sardonically take bets among themselves in online discussions. “When we talk about how hard divorce was for us, how long will it be before someone says, ‘But what about abusive marriages?’ Counting down, 3-2-1 …”
(Excerpt) Read more at ruthinstitute.org ...
My mom should have divorced my dad. We would have cheered.
Yes, some kids know what pop did.
There seems to be a lot of that going around. Crybullies are commonplace.
I’m old enough to remember when you needed valid “grounds” for a divorce— essentially a trial in which the plaintiff-spouse had to prove the defendant-spouse’s guilt. The judge could even refuse to grant the divorce.
Valid grounds were very few, such as adultery & insanity. Husbands could have the wife declared insane, subjected to ECT, in order to divorce her & marry the 2nd wife.
Wives trying to unload a philandering, drunk or abusive spouse, OTOH, could be denied divorce if the husband was at least providing a home for her & the children.
Such inequalities led to “no fault” divorce & the opposite extreme. Now we say bye at the first sign of boredom. To hell with the kids, let the state raise ‘em.
Meh. “Adult children of divorce” ....should have stopped after the first two words. Grow up. Life’s tough get a helmet
AMEN!
Of course women shouldn't tolerate being abused...or tolerate their kids being abused.Men have a sacred duty to treat wives and kids with kindness and respect.
The fundamental problem was abuse! Likely it was some mix of emotional, sexual, physical, and financial abuse.
The divorce was merely a consequence and not the source of the child’s ( now an adult) pain. Put the blame where it belongs.
Also...It is impossible to do a double blind study on one individual. It is entirely possible that the child ( now an adult) would have far worse off today if the marriage had remained intact.
My advice: Life is hard. Deal with it.
Good one! Please read my post #10.
A lot depends on what she considers "abusive".
Some women divorce because they find their husbands boring, and want to move in with the guy they've been having an affair with.
Some women decide it's "abuse" when the husband does not comply with the wife's every demand, or does not agree with spending on everything the wife desires.
I wonder what Chelsea Clinton, or Joe&Mika’s kids think about this.
Informed people want to know.
I am grateful every day for my Mom and Dad. They were great, tops, wonderful, you name it. My dad worked 10 hours and came home and went to my ball practices and games and those of my older brother. We hunted, fished, went to major league games in Atlanta, college games, high school games in the area. When I flew home from Germany on leave one time, my plane could not land in NY because of massive fog. We had to go to Montreal and land there. They would not let us off the plane because the Canadians would not take us off through customs and back on later. We sat on the plane for four hours and then finally went to NY. We landed 6 hours late. Then I went stand by to get on to Atlanta. Finally made a plane 10 hours after I should have made it. Dad sat in the Atlanta airport for these 10 hours waiting for word. He knew nothing. I could not call Mom until we finally got to NY. Dad had been calling Mom collect each hour to find out what was going on. Finally she was able to tell him after I called her from NY City. I finally got to Atlanta over 12 hours after I should have. Dad sat there the entire time. He was wasted. When we got home, he went to bed, because he had been up since the morning before. He napped at the airport, but who can sleep in that noise, I cannot. But that was the kind of Dad I had. I thank God for them both. They are both gone now. My Dad died when I was 24. He was only 60. I have missed him everyday for the past 48 years. Mom died at 87. I had her a lot longer to lean on. Having great parents is certainly a great positive for all kids. Be glad if your parents were a positive in your life. If they were, you should have had it made.
How wonderful...I envy you. I should write a book...between my two parents there were 8 (eight) spouses...4 each. I didn’t really know them all, and I have not used that fact to wallow in misery. In fact I’ve tried to do the opposite...not always successful, but always trying.
Yup...what YOU wrote!
Good for you. Hang in there. We should not allow others, especially dead-beat parents to ruin our lives. Way, way, way to many kids allow that to happen. Mamma or Daddy was a drug head or alcoholic and thus we have to be one also. Wrong!! You are what you make of yourself. What you want yourself to be. If you are lazy as hell, then yup, you will end up in jail like dear ole dad, selling coke on the street corner and knocking off the 7-11 down on the corner. Kids today have been handed a tough road because of the larger amount of dead beat parents, but they have to realize that they can be what they want themselves to be. It is as simple as that. I knew I was not college material back then, so I knew I had to get a job. So, I went into the military. I completed over two years of college in the military, but by the time I retired from the army, I had a skill to sell on the outside so I did not complete college. But, if you don’t have a decent skill to sell on the outside when you leave the service, then you had better have a plan to reeducate yourself to be able to market yourself. Hang in there. You certainly seem to have the right attitude to do it.
“Our focus is on the children (of divorce), their lifelong suffering “
Probably about the same as the lifelong suffering of children of abusive fathers/husbands in intact marriages.
There are probably just as many abusive mothers/wives in intact marriages, plus mothers who allow a string of bad-boy boyfriends into their kids lives.
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