Posted on 08/22/2007 2:23:11 PM PDT by VA Voter
Q. What is a cesarean section?
A. A womb with a view.
Hick #1: M R MICE
Hick #2: M R NOT
Hick #1: M R 2
Hick #2: TAINT SOW
Hick #1: O S A R
Hick #1: C M EDBD FEET?
Hick #2: L I B, M R MICE!
A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas
Stalin’s Tomb is a Communist plot!
Issac Asimov was quite a punster. Long ago he judged a pun contest for Omni magazine. In it he gave what he called the only known example of a triple pun. A couple called the ranch run by their sons the Focus Rance because that was where the sons raise meat.
So I applied myself to the challenge (but never sent it in).
An ancient seafaring people made their sails from animal skins. No matter what size the sail they were always a perfect 30-60-90 triangle. They had learned that this was possible by always making the bottom edge of the sail 1/2 the length of the hypotenuse. We remember these peoples early trigonometric abilities every time we speak of...
a fur sail sine.
Here lies Lester Moore
Shot three times with a .44
No Less
No Moore
bttt
What did the bark say to the tree?
Not mulch.
Use a pun, do a shot!
An English adventurer became lost on a walkabout in the Australian outback. After some days without food or water, he stumbles onto a road and sees a sign, Town of Mercy 2 miles.
Regaining hope, he struggles to reach the outskirts of the village and enters the first pub. “Barman, give me a pint, please,” he pleads.
The barman apologizes and tells him, “Sorry, mate but we’re out and the beer delivery is not for another hour.”
The English tells him, “Look, I’m dying of thirst. I’ll drink anything.”
The barman asks, “How ‘bout a cup o’ tea, mate?”
“Certainly, anything, please!”
The barman puts a teacup and saucer in front of the Englishman, reaches under the bar and pulls out a wiggling koala bear. He then pours hot water from the teapot over the Koala into the Englishman’s cup.
The Englishman is aghast. He’s dying of thirst but he just can’t abide this. He looks in his cup and then looks at the barman and complains, “There’s a hair in my tea!”
“Sir,” says the Aussie indignantly, “The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”.
The Germans were frightened when they learned Patton was about to attack.
Thus we got the term Patton pending.
“The sign on a cafe said ‘breakfast served anytime’. So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” — Steven Wright
Cause it was a little hoarse.
Didn't he sit beside that old drunk, Sir Osis?
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
He always broke into a song because he could never find the right key.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip could be defined as someone with a great sense of rumor.
Why are psychologists so unsuccessful with Egyptian crocodiles? Because they’re in denial.
What do clocks eat? Mostly hours-d’oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they do take seconds.
Money doesn’t talk — it just goes without saying.
A restaurant reviewer accused a chef of plagiarism. He didn’t cite his sauces.
Authors re-write, poets re-verse, and dead musicians decompose.
How about the border collie who got a job at a vineyard? He herded through the grapevines.
What did the mother deer say to the other deer? Time flies when you’re having fawn.
If a seismologist gives a lot to charity, is he said to be generous to a fault?
I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.
Don’t criticize nudists. They were born that way.
Geologists are unpopular because they love to find faults.
How does a spy eat his pancakes? Syruptitiously!
A friend asked me if my new lizard was big or small. I responded: ‘’My newt, actually.’’
How does Walt Disney World advertise? Via word of mouse.
What do you do when you are swimming in debt? You float alone.
Marx’s tomb: a communist plot?
Why did the chicken double cross the road? It was fowl play.
Hear about the boomerang maker who recovered from amnesia? It’s all coming back to him now.
Surveyors always do their level best.
Why were the massage therapists separating? She says he just rubs her the wrong way.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
What does the Dentist of the Year get? A little plaque.
Why did the creperie close? Pancake sales had gone flat.
If your sundial is at the back of the herb garden, is it behind the thyme?
What did the cop say about the missing vegetables? ‘’They’ll probably turnip.’
Why don’t clams give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
The book on the history of nudism was based on bare facts, and it came without a jacket.
If Santa Claus had a son, would he be a subordinate claus?
I thought about being a garbologist, but my career counselor trashed the idea.
A robber broke into a deli. They had to change the lox.
I have to upgrade my computer. My grandson tells me it’s state-of-the-ark.
Bakers share bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
The bakers’ union strives to get more dough for those that knead it.
Mozart had difficulty finding a mentor because he was Haydn.
Old kleptomaniacs never die; they just take it one day at a time.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane.
How does Paris Hilton change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
Young Franz had an aquarium filled with anemones in his room. He loved his anemones. One day, he was experimenting with a chemistry set while his parents were downstairs watching TV. When Franz drank the potion he had mixed, he turned into an elephant. As he stomped about, his trunk knocked over the anemone tank, spilling them all over the floor. Upon hearing the commotion, his parents ran upstairs and burst into his room. His mother screamed in shock, “Oh my goodness Franz, look at your anemones!” To which his father replied, “With Franz like this, who needs anemones!”
A man went to his local dentist because his teeth were decaying. During the examination, the dentist the man if he ate a lot of hollandaise sauce. The man inquired why. The dentist said, “hollandaise is very acidic, and it will eat the enamel off your teeth.” He then recommended chrome plated teeth to fix the problem. “Why chrome?” The man asked. “Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!” Replied the dentist.
Rance=Ranch GEEZ!
Variation for dog lovers: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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