Four Myths About Living Together Without Marriage

Human Events ^ | Mar 01, 2006 | Janice Shaw Crouse

[Joe Bfstplk]

I was happily married for 7 years--7 out of 22 is not too bad.

[null and void]

People are not, by nature, solitary beings ~ Richard Kimball

Not by nature, no.
But living with a woman
will make you that way . . . ~ theFIRMbss

Yeah. What he said.

[longtermmemmory]

FL gov. signed a law last year which now provides that cohabiting with a boyfriend will stop the alimony.

We have to attack the divorce laws if we want to stop this game playing.

[null and void]

I hope you appreciate how (dare I say it?) blessed you are.

[Emmet Fitzhume]

Should you ever choose to leave her, one can only imagine the emotional fallout experienced.

Yours is an exception to the rule, but "live-in" girlfriends tend to be frightened of what might happen should the man suddenly decide to "move on."

To many women, it is like walking around on eggshells.

[madprof98]

It's no one's business until the live-in beats the crap out of a young child or worse yet, kills them. The news seems to be abundant with such stories in this day and age.

Of course, the apologists for cohabitation will jump right in and claim that "this could happen to anybody" and so on, but the TRUTH is that widespread cohabitation has placed children at very serious and unprecedented risks.

[null and void]

My First Wife and I celebrated our 49th on Feb 1st...

Congratulations I guess.

My folks "celebrated" their 57th on Feb 14. Valentines Day, how romantic.

There is a steady seething undercurrent of hostility that one can feel the instant one steps in the front door.

I can't recall a time when they were more than minimally civil to each other. But then again I'm only 52...

[Emmet Fitzhume]

Maybe.

However, I believe that some states automatically declare a couple "legally married" if they have a "let's just live together for now" scenario for a few years.

Seriously, I think that some states here in the southeast treat a "shack up" as a marriage after 3 years.

Is that true?

[linda_22003]

We lived together for over a year before marrying, and this year is our 20th anniversary. :)

[areafiftyone]

Should you ever choose to leave her, one can only imagine the emotional fallout experienced.

True but the same thing goes for any marriage too. Where one partner leaves or says they want a divorce the emotional fallout is horrible. How many people have this so-called perfect marriage - say I love my wife and then you hear down the road that oops they got divorced. Everyting depends on the couple and how well they get along. Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that a couple will stay together. I am all for marriage if that is what you want. For me its NOT what I want.

[sandbar]

I've been with my 'partner' (no, not same sex) for 7 years. We are both divorced, have seperate properties, seperate checking accounts and also own property together and have joint checking accounts. We feel this works for us. We are individuals who share our life together. We have children from a previous marraige, and one together. The religious would tell me I am damaging my children, blah blah blah. It works for us and we have a strong relationship. One day we might get married, then again, maybe not.

[JAKraig]

This is really tough! The article has a lot of merit but it is hard to see in our "enlightened" day and time.

I was married for 26 years before we split. I decided to wait until the kids were adults so that I would not lose them. The kids think it would have been better to leave early. I kept thinking maybe there would be some way to pull it all back together and somehow get happy.

It takes two to tango!

While I think the odds for successful marriage are better than successful shack-up they are both fraught with peril. Society makes a happy marriage difficult. Nobody has to depend on anybody else for anything, the state provides all you need. If you don't like what your spouse does there is some civil servant to complain to, there is somebody that will take your side. You don't "have" to live with it, so often we don't.

In a good marriage there is no longer a "me and you" but a magical "us". Without the magical "us" no relationship can long survive.

I started dating about 2 years after my divorce, fell in love and have been happily married to the most wonderful woman in the world now for 10 years. She works so hard to make me happy that it makes me emotional. I want her to be happy and would sacrifice anything for her.

I think that her being more important to me than I am to me is the key to a successful relationship. Her life revolves around mine and mine around hers. Our society would probably say "sick" but we like it just fine.

[not2worry]

LOL.....that struck a cord with me! Anytime I feel my hubby's in a grouchy mood I tell him if he wants to argue call the X.

He's been divorced for 25 years, she gets alimony and social security from his account.

I never realized that if you are married to someone for 10 years you get to collect social security even if you never worked a day in your life. I didn't know this fact about Social Security. When I called Social Security they told me not to worry, I wasn't paying for it! Stuck on Stupid. Guess if you get married 4 times in your life for 10 years and all spouses survive Social Security really takes a hit.

[CodeToad]

My neighbors have lived together for 14 years without being married. ask them and they will say marriage isn't necessary because ti just ends in divorce.

Ask her, alone, and she will say that she feels cheated out of the pleasure of the wedding and being married and that he is just being stingy and cheap and taking her for granted.

[Antoninus]

Shacking up is for people who are overgrown adolescents.

Adults get married.

[LWalk18]

Seriously, I think that some states here in the southeast treat a "shack up" as a marriage after 3 years.

Only a few states still allow common law marriages to be formed, and the couple has to hold themselves out as married. There is no time limits, a couple living together for 20 years may not be considered to be married, while a couple living together for a year who visits D.C. for instance, stays in a hotel as "Mr. and Mrs. X" may be considered married.

[Emmet Fitzhume]

"The next few months involved a lot of weirdness."

Precisely.

Jiminy Cricket tends to suddenly appear after the "passion" dies down a bit.

We Christians tend to call it the Holy Spirit's "voice of opposition to sin."

Whatever you wish to call it, it does appear, and then things will get CONFLICTING and UGLY.

[areafiftyone]

Thank you for sharing that. I feel whatever is right for you as a couple (either getting married or not). Do it! You have only one life to live - make it as happy as possible of course trying not to hurt anyone in the process. I am sure your children feel the love from the both of you and that is all they really need - to be nurtured and cared for.

[Antoninus]

Not by nature, no. But living with a woman will make you that way . . .

Only if you're a dope who married a woman based purely on a physical attraction that, 20 years down the road, doesn't work for you any more.

Those of us who have married superior women take exception to idiotic statements like this.

[avenir]

Thank you for the raw honesty in your post.

Yet don't discount the grace of God in being able to help you with the callousness. I'm counting on Him to help me there as well. May sound corny but it is, in fact, truth: He can make anything new.