Four Myths About Living Together Without Marriage

Human Events ^ | Mar 01, 2006 | Janice Shaw Crouse

[dpwiener]

This is, for the most part, a silly and pointless article. The author has invented some straw man "myths" and then attempted to knock them down as a way of advocating marriage and opposing cohabitation.

Myth #1 is obviously no myth. Many couples who cohabit are indeed "testing the waters" and many of them conclude from that test that they should not be together. That's what a "test" is; it doesn't require a specific outcome.

Myth #2 is just another way of saying that a "piece of paper" (i.e., a government marriage contract) is more coercive than the lack thereof, and therefore harder to get out of. Well, Duhh. For those couples who don't want to stay together, that's a feature, not a bug.

Myth #3 is a total straw man argument. Who cares whether cohabiting is more likely to lead to marriage? Only those people who think marriage is a superior condition and the ultimate goal. For those people who are not fixated on marriage, the percentage of cohabitees who eventually get married is immaterial.

Myth #4 is another straw man argument. Only those people who are extremely concerned with egalitarianism in relationships will care whether marriages are statistically more or less egalitarian than cohabitation. In any case, what do the statistics matter? For any particular couple, their only concern is whether their own relationship (whether married or cohabiting) meets their own expectations. Why should they care whether couples other than themselves are more or less likely to have a relationship imbalance?

In my own case, I cohabited with my partner for 28 years before we finally got married last summer. The only reason we got married was because government tax and social security policies are so discriminatory that we could no longer afford not to. But in 28 years of living together and raising our daughter we never had any problems with cohabiting. We would have prefered to continue cohabiting rather than marrying.

[Gabz]

I think that her being more important to me than I am to me is the key to a successful relationship. Her life revolves around mine and mine around hers. Our society would probably say "sick" but we like it just fine.

This particular member of our society doesn't think it sick at all.......because that is the type of marriage I have as well.

[slimer]

While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry

I know she's out there somewhere.

[Antoninus]

Of course, the apologists for cohabitation will jump right in and claim that "this could happen to anybody" and so on, but the TRUTH is that widespread cohabitation has placed children at very serious and unprecedented risks.

I've got a couple distant family members in situations like this. You always worry about the kids--a lot moreso than if they were married.

[Emmet Fitzhume]

"Where one partner leaves or says they want a divorce the emotional fallout is horrible."

Probability of GAME OVER is much lower for married couples over the "shack ups." Once a "shack up" girl hits 32-36 (the last days of her "fertile years"), she has one or more of the following inner feelings:

1.) Zero self esteem
2.) 100 percent arrogance
3.) The continued path to intense depression and fear.

"Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that a couple will stay together."

True, but it has a greater probability of surviving a "shack up."

[firebrand]

Juliet called it a fool's paradise. I think that says it all.

[Emmet Fitzhume]

"Where one partner leaves or says they want a divorce the emotional fallout is horrible."

Probability of GAME OVER is much lower for married couples over the "shack ups." Once a "shack up" girl hits 32-36 (the last days of her "fertile years"), she has one or more of the following inner feelings:

1.) Zero self esteem
2.) 100 percent arrogance
3.) The continued path to intense depression and fear.

"Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that a couple will stay together."

True, but it has a greater probability of surviving a "shack up."

[Antoninus]

The religious would tell me I am damaging my children, blah blah blah.

So you'd be fine if your kids shacked up before getting married, then? Or if they didn't get married at all, but just "shacked up"? That's the example you're setting for them, you know.

It works for us.

Right. To hell with everyone else.

[Antoninus]

Ask her, alone, and she will say that she feels cheated out of the pleasure of the wedding and being married and that he is just being stingy and cheap and taking her for granted.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

[Emmet Fitzhume]

"But in 28 years of living together and raising our daughter we never had any problems with cohabiting."

You live in California, don't you?

[theFIRMbss]

>Those of us who have married superior women take exception to idiotic statements like this.

"Listen, saddles rule! Idiotic wild horses should just shut their mouths . . ."

[Aquinasfan]

Tell it to the kids, who need to be disabused of the conventional wisdom.

[sandbar]

>>>This is a great piece, frankly attacking the nonsense so many people (including a bunch of FReepers) use to justify their bad behavior. >>>

What a judgemental, piece of crap statement. You the sanctimonious (sp) type that galls me to no end. YOU don't think someone else should live their life the way they see fit, so therefore it is "bad behavior".

Go live your perfect life and learn how to MYOB.

[Emmet Fitzhume]

It just occurred to me:

A woman living in a "shack up" has no soul. PERIOD.

[spetznaz]

Yep. Couldn't have put it better.

[angcat]

Yes it does they also get sexually abused. You know I am very judgmental but my daughter had a sleep over birthday party with a child who's "parents" I did not know. I took her after debating since other girls that I knew would be with her. I found a single mother living with a man who is not the father of my daughter friend and little sister who is his daughter. Dysfunctional I must say and I also advised my daughter of this situation, in a nice way. And while I am babbling this women allowed her daughter and mine to take a walk to the candy store down the block. I was livid and advised my daughter that she never has permission to walk anywhere when she is over a friend’s house. What a b—ch, my kid could have been kidnapped; I don’t let my kid walk the streets especially in a strange town. Never again.

[Aquinasfan]

Which, if they had married before moving in, would mean divorce.

?

[trisham]

My First Wife and I celebrated our 49th on Feb 1st...

******************

Congratulations to you both!

[madprof98]

What a judgemental, piece of crap statement. You the sanctimonious (sp) type that galls me to no end. YOU don't think someone else should live their life the way they see fit, so therefore it is "bad behavior".

Shacking up, aren't you?

[Antoninus]

Your posts are at least consistently inscrutable.