Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
I was happily married for 7 years--7 out of 22 is not too bad.
Not by nature, no.
But living with a woman
will make you that way . . . ~ theFIRMbss
Yeah. What he said.
FL gov. signed a law last year which now provides that cohabiting with a boyfriend will stop the alimony.
We have to attack the divorce laws if we want to stop this game playing.
Should you ever choose to leave her, one can only imagine the emotional fallout experienced.
Yours is an exception to the rule, but "live-in" girlfriends tend to be frightened of what might happen should the man suddenly decide to "move on."
To many women, it is like walking around on eggshells.
Of course, the apologists for cohabitation will jump right in and claim that "this could happen to anybody" and so on, but the TRUTH is that widespread cohabitation has placed children at very serious and unprecedented risks.
Congratulations I guess.
My folks "celebrated" their 57th on Feb 14. Valentines Day, how romantic.
There is a steady seething undercurrent of hostility that one can feel the instant one steps in the front door.
I can't recall a time when they were more than minimally civil to each other. But then again I'm only 52...
Maybe.
However, I believe that some states automatically declare a couple "legally married" if they have a "let's just live together for now" scenario for a few years.
Seriously, I think that some states here in the southeast treat a "shack up" as a marriage after 3 years.
Is that true?
We lived together for over a year before marrying, and this year is our 20th anniversary. :)
True but the same thing goes for any marriage too. Where one partner leaves or says they want a divorce the emotional fallout is horrible. How many people have this so-called perfect marriage - say I love my wife and then you hear down the road that oops they got divorced. Everyting depends on the couple and how well they get along. Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that a couple will stay together. I am all for marriage if that is what you want. For me its NOT what I want.
I've been with my 'partner' (no, not same sex) for 7 years. We are both divorced, have seperate properties, seperate checking accounts and also own property together and have joint checking accounts. We feel this works for us. We are individuals who share our life together. We have children from a previous marraige, and one together. The religious would tell me I am damaging my children, blah blah blah. It works for us and we have a strong relationship. One day we might get married, then again, maybe not.
My neighbors have lived together for 14 years without being married. ask them and they will say marriage isn't necessary because ti just ends in divorce.
Ask her, alone, and she will say that she feels cheated out of the pleasure of the wedding and being married and that he is just being stingy and cheap and taking her for granted.
Only a few states still allow common law marriages to be formed, and the couple has to hold themselves out as married. There is no time limits, a couple living together for 20 years may not be considered to be married, while a couple living together for a year who visits D.C. for instance, stays in a hotel as "Mr. and Mrs. X" may be considered married.
"The next few months involved a lot of weirdness."
Precisely.
Jiminy Cricket tends to suddenly appear after the "passion" dies down a bit.
We Christians tend to call it the Holy Spirit's "voice of opposition to sin."
Whatever you wish to call it, it does appear, and then things will get CONFLICTING and UGLY.
Thank you for sharing that. I feel whatever is right for you as a couple (either getting married or not). Do it! You have only one life to live - make it as happy as possible of course trying not to hurt anyone in the process. I am sure your children feel the love from the both of you and that is all they really need - to be nurtured and cared for.
Thank you for the raw honesty in your post.
Yet don't discount the grace of God in being able to help you with the callousness. I'm counting on Him to help me there as well. May sound corny but it is, in fact, truth: He can make anything new.
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