Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
And that would be one argument that pulls me toward this option.
China is making money on adoptions. Communism isn't about money or social values. It's a criminal mentality. The economics of Communism is how to steal the money from the "rich capitalists who obviously made money by stealing it themselves."
I like that little girls are being adopted and not aborted. I hope and pray that this is better for all in the long run.
This is almost certainly better for the Chinese girls than what would happen to them if they were not adopted.
Wow, I am surprised at the responses here. Maybe there should just be more abortions in China, so these baby girls wouldn't be adopted by the selfish Feminazis of the US.
I get it.
/disgust
adopted, abandoned, or aborted?
As bad as adoption by a single parent may be, it's still a family, it is still better than the alternatives.
There are worse things that could happen to an innocent human being (of any origin) than grow up in America. Much worse.
Nothing whatsoever. The children are getting a parent to love them and as a bonus, they are getting out of China.
Are posters on FR not aware of what is happening to female babies in China?
They don't know how hard it is.
Nothing wrong with single American women adopting these children...nothing at all.
I was just struck by their motivation, they don't mention the tragedy that is China's one child policy or other stuff. They talk about THEIR wants, needs and desires.
The children are a means to and end for these women.
Think ....accessories....
In the end though, if some kids get out of an orphanage, all will work out for the better.
And yet another reason I get pulled toward doing this.
But does that include growing up in communist country that doesnt value little girls?
Shades of gray all around.
Cart before the horse idiocy. In the dating pool she'll be very attractive...to pedophiles.
Well, you have a good point. Alnmost makes you want to swear off Wal-Mart.
***She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married." ***
actually that is a very good reason to marry someone, based on what kind of father he would make. Obviously it shouldn't be the only reason; the woman should be attracted to the fellow too and able to love him. But there's nothing wrong with having one's future family as an end goal when searching for a mate. Sad that society has twisted the notion of marriage so much that women would rather be single mothers than choose a husband for "traditional" reasons.
That being said, while being raised by a single mother is far from the ideal, it sure beats a girl living in a orphanage, being aborted, or being killed at birth.
You mean about them getting killed? Perhaps not.
I couldn't even tell you the last time I went to Walmart? Oh wait, yes I could... in search of Luther on DVD which they didn't carry.
These girls have bought into the "you can have it all" mantra from the feminists; too late they realize they can't. And they clocks are ticking.
I'm not going to question their motives here... what they are doing is saving these babies from death; and that is an honorable thing.
I do not think that the Chinese government is involved in international adoption strictly for the money. The amount going to the Chinese government is approximately $3500 (of which $3000 goes to subsidize the orphanages). The remaining $500 is varied legal costs. I would suspect that an international adoption from another country or, even a domestic adoption, would have similar fees.
The greater cost is the agency costs for putting together the paperwork required by the U.S. and Chinese government, and the travel costs to go to China for two weeks.
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