[gortklattu]

ED: Sis - boom - bah

oops

[discostu]

"And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse".

[junaid]

That one still makes me laugh.

[Numbers Guy]

"Sure. Move the cat".

[jimt]

Johnny Carson was interviewing the wife of Arnold Palmer.

He asked her if she did anything special for Arnold to give him luck before a tough match.

She replied "I kiss his balls."

Johnny: "I'll bet that makes his putter stand on end !"

[Clemenza]

"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"

[Arkinsaw]

During a week when there was a UFO sighting outbreak during the gas crisis.

"The bad news is that aliens have landed...the good news is that they pee gasoline."

[zarf]

"Take the Slawson cutoff until you get to the.........

FORK in the road.

[Cagey]

Webb: "This is the City. Los Angeles, California. Some people rob for pleasure. Some rob because it's there. You never know. My name's Friday, I'm a cop. I was working the day watch out of Robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There'd been a robbery."
Carson: "There's been a robbery."
Webb: "Yes sir, what was it?"
Carson: "My clappers!"
Webb: "Your clappers?"
Carson: "Yeah, you know, those things inside a bell that makes them clang?"
Webb: "The clangers?"
Carson: "That's right, we call them clappers in the business."
Webb: "A clapper caper."
Carson: "What's that?"
Webb: "Nothing sir. Now, can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were stolen on this caper?"
Carson: "They were copper clappers."
Webb: "And where were they kept?"
Carson: "In the closet."
Webb: "Uh huh. You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?"
Carson: "Well, just one. I fired a man. He swore he'd get even."
Webb: "What was his name?"
Carson: "Claude Cooper"
Webb: "You think he'd..."
Carson: "That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers. Kept in the closet."
Webb: "You know where this Claude Cooper is from?"
Carson: "Yuh. Cleveland"
Webb: "That figures. That figures."
Carson: "What makes it worse, they were clean."
Webb: "Clean copper clappers."
Carson: "That's right."
Webb: "Why do you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?"
Carson: "Only one reason."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "He's a kleptomaniac."
Webb: "Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?"
Carson: "My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford."
Webb: "That figures. Now let me see if I got the facts straight here. Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now, is that about it?"
Carson: "One other thing."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers kept in the closet..."
Webb: "Yes?"
Carson: "I'll clobber him!"

[Prince Charles]

Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets."

[rintense]

Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Obviously from the 80s.

[countryDon]

"May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team."

[conservativebabe]

Not a joke, but who could foget Johnny with the animal guests. Those times made some of the funniest T.V. moments ever.

[speedy]

"May a holy man squat on your fez."

"May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard."


Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan." Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey puck."

And all of it hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls porch since noon today.

[Uncle Hal]

There was a famous exchange with Jane Fonda. I cannot recall it. Does anybody out there remember it?

[SheLion]

This is not a joke, and may the good Lord have mercy on his soul;

Johnny lived to be 79 years old, but Fox News had to let everyone know that Johnny was 'a life long smoker."

Does Fox News actually think that Johnny would have lived forever if he didn't SMOKE???

There was NO reason for Fox News to tell the general public that!

[The Clemson Tiger]

CARNAK: Ghotzbadeh...

ED: Ghotzbadeh!

CARNAK: What do Iranian men prefer to women by night.

[My2Cents]

Carnac: "Catch-22."

Ed: "Catch-22"

Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your short."

"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."

[My2Cents]

Art Fern, "Tea-Time Movie" host, giving directions to whatever business was sponsoring the show: "...Take the Slauson cut off; cut off your Slauson..."

[My2Cents]

Two words: Ed Ames