Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 10/03/03 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

Join the FR smokers lounge bump list...click on the logo

Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

Smoker's Lounge

Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em shssh
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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[Don W]

Last year, when the power mower was broken and didn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me sitting in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched me silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few minutes and when he came out again, he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

He will be just fine when the casts come off.

[Don W]

A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

[Don W]

A lonely old lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read
"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not
run around on me, and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay when she opened the door,there sat a man in a
wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically
"You're not expecting me to consider you,are you?
Just look at you---- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!" Again the old man smiled.
"Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I"

[Don W]

Got this from my friend's father, a retired cop...
Kevin


Circle Flies !



A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.



The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are Ya?"



The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Don W]

Two very bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a
single
roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier
when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,"Mama
needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down
and
hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her
clothes
and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men.

[Just another Joe]

Pretty good ones tonight, Don.
Hey, now I know what a muppet feels like!

BWAHAHAHAHA

[Don W]

Here's a little animation for those who drink beer. It's a flash file. Beer!/a>

[Don W]

> > The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer.
> >
> > After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the
> big
> > white horse outside?"
> >
> > " The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
> >
> > The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is
> about
> > dead outside!"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
about
> to
> > die from heat exhaustion.
> >
> > The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little
> > better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said,
> >
> > "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a
> > breeze to help cool him down. "
> >
> > Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and begins running circles around Silver.
> >
> > Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to
> > finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the
bar
> > and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?
> >
> >The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
time?
> >
> > The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > (...I JUST LOVE THIS...)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Nothing,' but you left your Injun running."

[Don W]

HISTORY LESSONS:

Marshall Ferdinand Foch in 1911:
"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value."

Business Week, 1958:
"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
industry isn't likely to carve out a large slice of the U.S. market."

Frank Knox, U.S. secretary of the Navy, on December 4, 1941:
"Whatever happens, the U.S. is not going to be caught napping."

Economist Irving Fisher on October 16, 1929:
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

[Don W]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

---

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

---

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

---

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

---

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

---

An Air Force Chief Master Sargent and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

---

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[Don W]

> >If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
> >as this Cop. A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
> >a felony trial - it went like this:
> >
> >Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
> >A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of
> >the offender running several blocks away.
> >
> >Q. Officer, who provided this description?
> >A. The officer who responded to the scene.
> >
> >Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do
> >you trust your fellow officers?
> >A. Yes sir, with my life.
> >
> >Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room
> >where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
> >A. Yes sir, we do.
> >
> >Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
> >A. Yes sir, I do.
> >
> >Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
> >A. Yes sir.
> >
> >Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
>life,
> >that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
> >those same officers?
> >A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes
> >lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
> >
> >With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was
> >called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's " Best
> >comeback" line and we think he'll win.

[LibertarianInExile]

My wife and I walked into the bank today to get a mortgage. Unfortunately, we realized early on we were dealing with the world's dumbest banker.

How dumb was she?

When I told her I was there for a loan, she said, "No, there's more than one of you!"

rimshot

Thank you, thank you, I'll be at the Palace all week, except for the days that end in 'y.' Thanks so much.

[Don W]

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

An elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them (but only temporarily).

[SeaDragon]

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I > didn't know we had a choice."

LOLOL

Very good. Can I use this one? I know a couple of guys that will really like it.

[MeekOneGOP]

Howdy !!

[MeekOneGOP]

Whoops ! Guess I got here too late ...

This thread has been pulled.

Rut-roh ! I missed all the fun ...

[Argh]

Here's the picture that caused the fuss. Unfortunately I can't reproduce the funny remarks from the thread before it got pulled.

[Don W]

Standing offer to anyone who wishes to use the jokes I post:

Of course you can! I "borrowed" them myself from various sources, you see.

[MeekOneGOP]

whoa ! thanks ...

[Don W]

Well, even though she's kissed Mudowna, i'd still enjoy the opportunity to do rude, naughty and fun things with her.

The worst thing is, I *could* be her daddy (chronologically speaking).

Why do I feel like a dirty old man?|