50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

Pointless Waste of Time ^

[A.J.Armitage]

50 Reasons why
LORD OF THE RINGS


sucks

1. Fellowship of the Rings was shoved down our throats.
   
   I've heard some students are even forced to read some novelization of the movie in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?
   
   
2. Greed.
   
   Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more money out of the sheep. Guess what; there's ANOTHER LOTR movie coming this Christmas. Gee, I wonder what will bring Rocky out of retirement this time?
   
   
3. Quality Control at New Line.
   
   Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.
   
   
4. They switched Darrens on us!
   
   Look closely and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).
   
   
5. Quality Control at New Line, II.
   
   In the massive Mt. Doom battle scene at the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, a DVD pause reveals at least half a dozen of the 50,000 Orc Warrior extras are wearing modern tennis shoes.
   
   
6. Speaking of Orcs...
   
   The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.
   
   
7. Racism.
   
   Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. Gosh, I wonder if there's some symbolism there?
   
   
8. Gold: The Stretchy Element.
   
   The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.
   
   
9. Violence.
   
   Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.
   
   
10. Horse sense.
    
    Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!
    
    
11. Retracted.*
    
    See below.
    
    
12. Return of the Living Dead.
    
    If you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.
    
    
13. Did someone say plot hole?
    
    Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.
    
    
14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.
    
    The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective soldiers, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.
    
    
15. Sloppy CGI.
    
    Gandalf's smoke boat is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.
    
    
16. The Asbestos Wizard.
    
    We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel coming up this year Gandalf is back. I wonder if they'll even bother to explain it. Maybe he'll be resurrected via voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WAB films).
    
    
17. Invisible Implausibility.
    
    Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.
    
    
18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.
    
    The giant fire beast thing at the end was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
    
    
19. I'll have to rent that one.
    
    The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?
    
    
20. Magic Mechanics.
    
    Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.
    
    
21. Finders, keepers.
    
    So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.
    
    
22. Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.
    
    Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.
    
    
23. Watch out! He's going to explode!
    
    The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.
    
    
24. Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!
    
    The character of Gollum in The Two Towers will be entirely computer animated, in a cheap effort to cash in on Jar Jar Binks Mania. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.
    
    
25. Propaganda.
    
    The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.
    
    

26. Speaking of Elves...
    
    Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.
    
    
27. Homage or theft?
    
    The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.
    
    
28. Homage or theft II?
    
    The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.
    
    
29. Homage or theft III?
    
    The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.
    
    
30. Homage or theft IV?
    
    The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.
    
    
31. Homage or theft V?
    
    The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.
    
    
32. Homage or theft VI?
    
    The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.
    
    
33. Homage or theft VII?
    
    The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.
    
    
34. Homage or theft VIII?
    
    The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye was based on an actual incident.
    
    
35. Homage or theft IX?
    
    The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.
    
    
36. Homage or theft X?
    
    The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.
    
    
37. Weighty issues.
    
    AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.
    
    
38. Realism, schmealism.
    
    Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.
    
    
39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.
    
    The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.
    
    
40. Too many notes.
    
    No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours and used filler to flesh it out.
    
    
41. Too many notes, II.
    
    I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.
    
    
42. Too many notes, III.
    
    Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.
    
    
43. Rationalization for violence.
    
    Why is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?
    
    
44. The Shoeless Land.
    
    The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in crap? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?
    
    
45. Casting.
    
    Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?
    
    
46. Casting, II.
    
    Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?
    
    
47. Casting, III.
    
    Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?
    
    
48. Casting, IV.
    
    Why couldn't the Ranger have been played by a monkey?
    
    
49. The Score.
    
    The background music wasn't nearly funky enough for me.
    
    
50. What's that smell?
    
    As bad as the Lucasfilm leaks were last year, the filmmakers of The Two Towers already have the novelization out in paperback. I've seen it at Barnes & Noble already. As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.

*RETRACTED REASONS LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS:

11. Damn you, gravity!

The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings.

This was retracted when a reader pointed out that the wings, like the rest of the beast, were made of shadow and fire and thus would be useless for flight. Thanks for the tip!

[paulklenk]

I do my best.

[A.J.Armitage]

These so called reasons, are obviously the rantings of person who would make Gollum look sane.

Nothing ripped off from Jar-Jar could look sane.

[Caesar Soze]

The "fire-beast thing" is a balrog, which is a fallen Maia, having followed Melkor, the rebel Valar into Evil.

Melkor was a Vala (and not for long), not Valar, 'cuz there was only one Melkor.

Gandalf is one of the Istari, the five Maia selected by the Valar to sail from the Uttermost West to Middle-Earth to fight the scourge of Sauron, the second Dark Lord.

The number of the Istari was never settled on, or if it was, only lately. We can say with confidence that there were five chief Istari sent to the North-west of Middle-earth; as for lesser Istari, or chiefs in other regions, we don't really know. Tolkien did speculate that the Blue Wizards established their own magic traditions (Hereni Istarion?) in the East, which would allow us to have a great deal of lesser Istari, if we wanted them. The Istari were instructed not to fight Sauron, but rather to encourage the people of Endor to fight him. Oh, and it's not "five Maia," it's "five Maiar," cuz, well, there's five of 'em.

Gandalf is a Servant of the Secret Fire, and is not human, but immortal.

No, Gandalf was quite mortal. He died of physical injuries and his fea passed out of the world, just like any other adan. He was a durable chap, probably moreso than any Elf, but when it came down to it he received the Gift of Men.

[A.J.Armitage]

You know, I purchased the widescreen version of the movie, and the image on my TV is still only 25 inches wide, the same as the full screen version. Was I ripped off?

Yes.

I recommend a lawsuit.

[A.J.Armitage]

Did you write this?

No, but I agree with it.

Willow was the greatest epic ever. Right up there with the Illiad. The bones say it was ripped off!

[Caesar Soze]

It was recently reprinted; have you checked Amazon? Be sure to read Dr. Rich Drushel's Grey Havens and Appendix A parodies when you're done. I haven't read the original BotR, but "Mortgage the Enema and his fell bank Thangorodrim" had me rolling.

[Arkinsaw]

[This won't be popular.]

Its not as good a satire as the original post. Work on it a little bit. A little more over the top and it could be funny.

[Sabertooth]

No, Gandalf was quite mortal. He died of physical injuries and his fea passed out of the world, just like any other adan. He was a durable chap, probably moreso than any Elf, but when it came down to it he received the Gift of Men.

Disagree. Gandalf was Maia, and was therefore immortal. Being immortal didn't preclude him from being killed however, as was also true of the elves.

[Hugin]

I've been checking used bookstores with no luck.

Aw, those lovable characters...Dildo, Spam, Moxie and Pepsi. Legolam and Gimlet, and Arrowshirt son of Arrowroot. Who could forget?

Available from Amazon.com.

[StockAyatollah]

The author needs to get a life. But he/she must be too hip to enjoy a conventional film. Maybe if it was on 8mm with a scratchy soundtrack, then the author could've dug it without being accused of selling out by his black-clothed, birkenstock-wearing friends.

[Caesar Soze]

All fear in Arda were indestructible. Im/mortality is determined by what happens to that fea when it is unhoused. The Valar (and presumably the Maiar) were bound to Arda as a condition of their entrance; thus they are immortal. Elven fear are also bound to Arda. Both Ainur and Elves are capable of constructing or receiving from the powers of Arda new physical forms.

The fear of men, however, leave the world upon the death of their bodies. They cannot be rehoused within Arda without special permission from Eru. That's exactly what happened to Gandalf the Grey when he died, therefore he was mortal. The fact that he was sent back into Arda by Eru until his task was completed further suggests that, after the War of the Ring, Gandalf the White fully expected to die and leave Arda again. Makes the Valarin debates over which Maia gofer should be sent into Endor take on a rather macabre tone.

[BradyLS]

I love Tokien and this review was hilariously funny. Very cranky and some great insights. I love it when people spot movie errors. The opinions are fun to read too.

That was dang funny! So maybe we should get cracking on The Two Towers?

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE TWO TOWERS SUCKS!!!

1. The Man of Steel

Didja notice? Gandalf "falls" off the bridge and flies through the air to grab his sword. Before he even hits the bottom, Gandalf has grabbed the firebeast and starts kicking his ass! Hey, Superman! Why didn't you do that while you had your sword and you were on the bridge?

2. How to Climb Mount Everest

Step 1. Fall with a firebeast until you reach the lake at the bottom of the mountain.
Step 2. Firebeasts hate water, so you can just bet he'll use his great wings of smoke and fire to carry you instantly to the top of the mountain! Make sure you are hanging on when he does this.
Step 3. Thank the firebeast for the lift. Then kick his ass some more!

3. I Am a Rock

Trying to avoid someone? Fall on the ground. Cover up with your coat. And think 'rock' like your life depended on it. Hell, if the people coming after you believe you're insane, it just might work!

4. Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

Nobody wants to ask a creep like Smeagol. Next thing you know, he's off to introduce you to some 'friends.' If you're lucky, you wake up with a pain in the neck and all your valuables taken.

5. No SuperCuts in Middle-Earth.

Wizards can create an army of thousands or return from the dead, but not one of 'em knows how to get a decent haircut. Everybody wears their hair as if they're in some trippy space-rock band. Hey, PJ! People stopped listening to Hawkwind twenty years ago!

6. Homage or theft? XXIII.

Grima Wormtounge is clearly based on that creepy alchemist, Professor Snape, in Harry Potter.

7. You Can't Change Human Nature

Elves are fey and have pointy ears. Dwarves are short and the butt of jokes. It's always been that way. Will always be that way. No wonder people generally hate this crap-- they already know what to expect.

8. Attack of the Clones

After creating an army 10,000 strong, the next obvious step is to march it 100 miles, nonstop, and to immediately attack an impregnable fortress where all the heroes will be waiting for you. While getting your face smashed on the walls...

9. Rear Guard? We Don't Need No Steenkin' Rear Guard

... Don't forget to have your collective ass kicked from the rear. Good thing Peter Jackson gave the baddies some brains!

10. Bakshi to the Future

When Ralph Bakshi released his meandering opus to the world in 1978, the good-guys had just won a big battle at Helm's Deep and were getting ready to carry the Ring into Mordor. In 2002, after $200 million and 6 hours of travelogue footage from the New Zealand Ministry of the Interior, Peter Jackson brings us to the same damn point in the story! Thanks, guy. Glad to see our time wasn't too badly wasted.

[JameRetief]

The replies taking this article seriously are quite amusing. Especially the critical responses AFTER they realize they've been had.

[ccmay]

with the Norman conquest of England, "their own" mythology was lost, with the exception of Beowulf.

Beowulf is actually a Scandinavian legend. Beowulf was a Geat, from a tribe in southern Sweden. King Hrothgar was Danish.

The original poem was written in Old English, but it probably was an adaptation of an older oral legend that had nothing to do with England..

-ccm

[rwfromkansas]

It's fantasy.

I have not seen the movie and don't really plan to (well, I am considering asking a friend to go since I know she likes the Lord of the Rings, but she probably has already seen it). By the way, she is a strong Reformed Christian with her head on straight....she is not coming into some cult or something by watching a fantasy.

This nonsense reminds me of the whole anti-Harry Potter crusade.

[rwfromkansas]

BTW, I grew up reading fiction books about warlocks, witches, and magic. I am doing just fine and have not converted to Wicca. In fact, I am a staunch Christian with some theonomic tendencies. In my world (assuming everyone COVENANTED TO TO THIS.....I WOULD NOT FORCE IT ON THEM)....there would be strict laws and one of the laws would be that witches would be executed as Scripture teaches. Anyway.

Just because a book talks about magic does not make it an object of Satan.

[HairOfTheDog]

Jael, you were hanging out with "real live witches" on internet boards last time we talked... I don't think it is Tolkien fans that are fascinated with the occult. I think it is Jael.

[BradyLS]

I've given the Two Towers version it's own thread here:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/chat/811134/posts

[HairOfTheDog]

Yes, I know way too much.

I can respect that. ;~D

Thanks for the ping, I think!