Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Posted on 08/30/2002 9:09:32 AM PDT by Just another Joe
Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
The wife thought for a while, then finally said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Nope, but I get you THE SOUND OF A B-36 PEACEMAKER doing a flyby (All 6 28-cylinder Pratt & Whitneys goin' full tilt!). Which at the volume you're describing should put it just about right.
DAGGONE I been workin my arse off all day... Got some good results though so I be tickled. Stopped by my bud's office for "beer-thirty", a Friday afternoon pre-bar tradition... I reckon it's my turn to stock next time, that Killian's tasted right ripe...
Throw me a Michy Light over here willya, barkeep...
A man tries to enter heaven but first he has a chat with St. Peter, keeper of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it is not easy to get into heaven. There are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. St. Peter asked the man several questions. Was he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?
The man answered, "No".
St. Peter said, "Not good, not good." Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this little old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his face."
"Wow, said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago..."
Lord I hope this day is good,
I'm feeling empty and it's understood
I should be thankful Lord I know I should,
But Lord I hope this day is good
Lord, have you forgotten me?
I've been praying to you faithfully
I'm not saying I'm a righteous man
But Lord I hope you understand
I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder Lord, send down the rain
But when you're planning just how it should be
Plan a good day for me.
You've been the king since the dawn of time
All that I'm asking is a little less crime
It might be hard for the Devil to do
But it would be easy for you...
Lord I hope this day is good,
I'm feeling empty and it's understood
I should be thankful Lord I know I should,
But Lord I hope this day is good...
A man died in an auto wreck. He had his dog with him.
He awoke to find himself AND his dog on a country dirt rode.
They walked and walked until finally they came to a HUGE golden gate. There was a river of sparkling clear water inside the gate. There was an imposing angel standing at the gate. The man walked up to the angel and said, "We've been walking for a long time and we're really thirsty. Can we go in and get a drink?"
The angel said, "Well, this is heaven. YOU can go in but there aren't any animals allowed in heaven."
The man didn't even stop to think. He told the angel, " We'll go on down the road."
The two walked on down the raod for a long way.
They came to an old run down farmhouse. There was a well in front and a little old man sitting in a wicker rocking chair. The man asked, "My dog and I have been walking for a long time. Could we get a drink of water from your well?"
The little old man said, "Go right ahead. There's a cup for you and a bowl for your dog."
The man pulled the well bucket up, poured some water in the dog bowl and then poured himself a drink.
As he drank his water he started looking beyond the house and saw that the land beyond was beautiful. There were plains, rolling hills, streams, rivers, and mountains in the distance.
The man turned to the little old man and said, "This is so beautiful, it could be heaven."
All of a sudden the little old man became so beautiful and full of majesty that the man couldn't look at him anymore.
A full roaring voice came out and said "This IS heaven."
The man said, "But the angel down the road said THAT was heaven.
The voice came out again and said, "Oh, THAT'S the competition. Quite a few fall for that. Anybody that would desert a friend for a drink of water we don't want.
Re: the guy at the Pearly Gates, LOL ! 
Oh, btw!.....Check out #32 here. I don't know if you might use them, but some are pretty good. I'm working on some more too ! 
Kidnapped California Boy Found Safe
Kidnapped California Boy Found Safe
SAN DIEGO (AP) — A 9-year-old boy violently kidnapped this week from his home in Palm Desert was found safe in San Diego County, a law enforcment official said.
San Diego County sheriff's Lt. Lisa Miller said Nicholas Farber was found at a campground in Jamul east of San Diego.
``He's alive,'' she said.
The boy was abducted at 2 a.m. Wednesday in Palm Desert in Riverside County.
Authorities had been searching for a motor home with a Florida license plate believed to be carrying the boy.
His mother, Debra Rose and her former roommate, Carla Bender, have been named as suspects in the kidnapping carried out by two unidentified men.
Electronic highways signs in California had flashed the motor home's Florida license plate number, HS702J. Authorities also had issued a description of the distinctive vehicle, a tan 1997 Bounder motor home with kangaroo decals and an orange stripe on each side.
Police search for vehicle Windows Media RealVideo
``We have great news. We have Nicholas, he is safe,'' Riverside County Sheriff-elect Bob Doyle told a news conference in Palm Desert.
Remember when the EPA (under Clinton) claimed that there were 3,000 deaths due to lung cancer from environmental tobacco smoke?
For the Congressional Research Service report on Environmental Tobacco Smoke and Lung Cancer, Nov. 1995, check out http://www.tobacco.org/Documents/9511crsepa.html
and especially note page 55, first line,
"Finally, it is possible that very few or even no deaths can be attributed to ETS."
and page 62, second paragraph:
"Therefore, had OSHA performed a meta-analysis, it seems likely that it would have found no increased lung cancer risk from occupational ETS exposure."
Among those requesting this study was none other than Henry Waxman. Naturally, he, and the media quickly forgot about it.
It is, like the case brought before a Federal Judge, a scathing indictment of the agenda method that Clinton's radlib Browner (head of the EPA then) used to first set the result, and then change statistics laws (i.e. p) and ignore certain studies to get to that result.
And, if the radlibs went to such great lengths to lie about this, what about second hand smoke (aka environmental tobacco smoke) and other disease/health problems.
---
Now.........for some information to help educate and enlighten...........
FACTOIDS
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
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Things To Ponder
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a man expressed an opinion in the forest and no woman heard him, is he still wrong?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out?"
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Who was that person who looked at that creepy creature and said, "I bet if I heat it up and add a little butter this lobster might taste pretty good."
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why are Mickey Mouse and his friends missing a finger?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint some-where, you have to touch it to make sure?
Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
--
Have a great weekend.
heh heh !A Shave and a Shine
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
That's OK, barber! Just the boot shine will be good!
heh heh ! Just what I thought too ! 
Hey, do ya have a Weller's and Water there somewhere?
Help..............
I am in the boonies of Minnesota and my connection is questionable. Could I please have a double of your finest?
If I disappear, take pity on me...............
How goes it with you?
I will be in severe need by then.
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