9 Subtle Clues Your Wife Is Pregnant

The Bee ^ | Oct 28, 2026 | The Bee

[dayglored]

Wondering if your wife is pregnant, but don't feel like you know how to ask? Here are are nine subtle clues you can look for to figure out if she is with child:

1. She just sat on your lap and now your femur is broken: It normally doesn't do that.

2. You just watched her inhale 3 Big Macs like those cartoons where everything flies into their mouths: It's really a sight to behold.

3. She's peeing on some thermometer thing: That did seem like rather strange behavior.

4. You just told a hilarious joke and she's laughing oh wait no she's crying wait laughing oh my gosh she's sobbing: Yikes.

5. She is vomiting around the clock like a demon: Smell of bacon? Vomit. Taste of coffee? Vomit.

6. People keep showing up at your house for parties where they bring baby stuff: This makes so much more sense now.

7. She tells you, "you're going to be an uncle!": NOTE: only applies to Ilhan Omar

8. She started walking like a bear learning to roller skate: Look at those tiny shuffling steps.

9. There's a baby currently exiting from her body: Okay, we're pretty sure on this one.

If you spot any of these clues, congratulations! You're going to be a Dad!

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; clues; pregnant; satire

[dayglored]

It's satire, folks. :-)

OTOH, some of these sure sound familiar...

You lady FReepers can add to the list as appropriate...

[Tell It Right]

10. She sends you to the store in the middle of the night for her cravings.

[ShadowAce]

"It normally doesn't do that"

LOL!

[Tell It Right]

11. The delivery man brings exercise resistance bands (applies only if your wife votes Democrat).

[Tell It Right]

12. You hear her yell loudly on the phone like she’s talking to a deaf person: “No, Mama. You no longer get baby things from Sears!”

[dayglored]

Wow, Sears. When I was a kid, the occasional family trip to the Sears, Roebuck store in the city was a huge big deal. Four floors of all kinds of things, and on the first floor there was a hotdog vendor.

[Chickensoup]

They had tbe best waterproof pants and diapers.

[citizen]

Sears, everyone shopped Sears. Those were the days.

If Sears mgm’t. had been forward thinking, Amazon would never have been.

[dayglored]

> If Sears mgm’t. had been forward thinking, Amazon would never have been.

Killing off the catalog sales was perhaps the most visible misstep. Sears could have made a transition to internet sales easily, but they... chose poorly.

Then "diversifying" into financial enterprises, downplaying the retail stores and letting them fall into disrepair, was the straw that broke the company's back.

Really a shame.

[dayglored]

> 10. She sends you to the store in the middle of the night for her cravings.

And back to the store an hour later for different things because all the things you got on the first trip now make her vomit.

[Phoenix8]

I remember in 1982 when my wife first showed a sign. We were on vacation (actually on our delayed honeymoon) in S Carolina and she was famished so we ate at IHOP etc. we walked out to the car and right there on the pavement she threw it all up. Then in 5 minutes said she felt better but was hungry again. I was like….

[Pontiac]

If only Sears still sold house kits.

Young people might still be able to afford a home.

[MayflowerMadam]

When we built houses in Alaska, we mail ordered everything from Sears, from curtains to refrigerators and ovens.

I miss Sears. I also loved Spiegel catalog. You filled out an order blank, put it into an envelope with a check, then snail mail. In about three weeks you’d get your stuff. Loved their clothes.

[roving]

Mine had the strangest cravings at the strangest hours.

[Jane Long]

Our Sears had a candy counter right up until it closed in the 80s.

[Pontiac]

People keep showing up at your house for parties where they bring baby stuff: This makes so much more sense now.

Your best buds throw you a party and bring boxes of diapers and their not your size.

And it's not even your birthday!

Who does that?

[MeanWestTexan]

In my case, my buddy Abimelek would have to be giving me 1,000 shekels and some livestock due to a misunderstanding, G-d would have to tell us we’re having a kid, my wife would laugh at that, and then we’d have to name the kid Isaac as kind of a running joke about the whole thing.

Oh, and I’d have to send the maid away, along with her kid, but we won’t talk about that.

[NewHampshireDuo]

For Mrs NHD it was the sight of cornfields. She’d see a cornfield and have to throw up.

[Pete from Shawnee Mission]

From "Savage Innocents" A 1961 French movie about Eskimo life, somewhat accurate.

Yôko Tani: (pregnant and about to give birth!) "I would like some musk ox!"

Anthony Quinn: "Musk Ox! Its Dark! Its the middle of winter! Where am I going to find Musk Ox now?!"

Yoko Tani: "I do not know, but I would like some Musk Ox!"

Anthony Quinn: Grumbling as he leaves the igloo to hunt for musk ox!

[dayglored]

> For Mrs NHD it was the sight of cornfields. She’d see a cornfield and have to throw up.

That's.... unique. Haven't heard that one before.