8 Questions Husbands Should Always Plead The 5th To

The Bee ^ | Jul 29, 2026 | The Bee

[dayglored]

You may have recently realized that prominent figures can easily slide off the hook by pleading the Fifth Amendment, but did you know it's possible to plead the Fifth at home as well? Husbands, stop incriminating yourselves by simply pleading the Fifth when faced when any of these eight questions:

1. "If I die first, how long until you remarry?": There is no answer here that does not lead to your untimely death.

2. "Am I becoming like my mother?": Brother, this is why the Fifth Amendment was invented.

3. "Are you sad you married me and not my sister Rachel?": Keep your mouth shut, Jacob.

4. "Are you thinking about the Roman Empire right now?": No way. Totally locked into that anniversary dinner.

5. "Why did you order me extra lettuce on my Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme?": Now is not the time to say "for poops and giggles."

6. "Did you know that COVID leaked from a lab while simultaneously trying to silence those who said so in order to protect yourself because you funded said lab?": We have it on good legal authority you should go with the Fifth.

7. "Sydney Sweeney's not even that hot, right?": Plead the Fifth, then start running.

8. "Why are you laughing at that Babylon Bee list of eight questions husbands should always plead the Fifth to?": Uh-oh.

Never testify against yourself again with this one, simple trick. Let us know in the comments any other questions you find yourself pleading the Fifth to.

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; pleadthe5th; questions; satire

[Verginius Rufus]

Samuel Johnson knew a man who was in a very unhappy marriage.

Eventually the man's wife died, and then the man soon married again.

Johnson's comment was that it was the triumph of hope over experience.

[NorthMountain]

9. Does this dress make my ass look big?

1) Ladies: Learn to ask honest questions.

2) Ladies: Learn to accept the answers you get. You asked. If you didn't want an answer, you have no excuse for asking.

3) Gentlemen: Give honest answers from "Day One" of the relationship. You don't have to tolerate emotional abuse. If honest answers set her off, ditch the bitch.

4) Gentlemen: Honesty doesn't mean cruelty. "It's very unflattering" conveys the same message as "It makes you look like Jabba-the-Hutt" ... but one of those is a better answer than the other.

[dfwgator]

From Benny Hill:

Old couple in bed:

Wife: “Were you ever unfaithful to me?”
Husband: “Once. Just once.”
Wife: “You sure could use that once now.”

[dfwgator]

“Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give you the answer that you want me to.”

[OKSooner]

LOL

[Clay Moore]

How long have you had that pistol?

[wny]

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

[Albion Wilde]

[frank ballenger]

Old saying: A woman is a human lie detector system.

It is said they developed sensitivity to cues during evolution when males fought physically against attackers and to get food while females had to work with their available mental talents such as not trusting someone while the male was being conned.

A. E. van Vogt said males are simple creatures who desire sex and want to conquer opponents to gain ground. Females are much more complex.

[Sirius Lee]

Heh heh. The fat makes your dress look like an overstuffed sausage casing.

[Pete Dovgan]

“Does my butt look fat in this Burka/Dress/other garment” Always plead the 5th.

[Jim W N]

Evrey husband should have those eight questions stowed away somewhere where hopefully the wife can’t find it...

[bunkerhill7]

Honey, I bought a you full length slim mirror. See? You fit right in the mirror.

[gunnut]

14. How much did you pay for that gun?

[Rad_J]

When asked what I spent money on: Me: Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Don’t you know that is coming up? Wife: It’s August! Me: Dammit!

[Islander7]

My ex would ask my opinion then argue that I was wrong. The last five years of that marriage were hell.

[Rad_J]

When asked what I spent money on:

Me: Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Don’t you know that *Christmas*Your Birthday*Valentine’s Day*Mother’s Day* is coming up?

Wife: It’s August!

Me: Dammit!

[Getready]

They are a very bad lie detector system. They seem to just about always marry Mr. Wrong. Ask Eve about lie detection.

But they will always say that “they just knew it!”

[big truck]

I told my wife and also my 3 daughters that if they asked an honest question, they would receive an honest answer.

I also told them that if they sincerely did not want to know, they should not ask.

While not preventing hurt feelings, those two statements have saved me from countless arguments. YMMV

[Getready]

The answer to that question is always “No” because it’s not the dress that makes her look fat. It’s the fat that makes her look “fat”
And deliver the answer very quickly. She will think it is an honest answer. No time to massage an answer.