Posted on 03/17/2026 12:19:37 PM PDT by dayglored
TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.
Sources within the regime revealed that the recently chosen supreme leader had called his most trusted Muslim scholars to search the Quran to determine if the 72 virgins awaiting martyrs in paradise had to be female.
"You could tell he was pretty bummed," said one insider. "We've all heard the rumors for years, and his father tried to keep it under wraps, but once we saw the look on his face when the cleric confirmed that all the virgins he would receive in paradise were women, that pretty much sealed the deal. He was really hoping it would be dudes."
Reports indicated that the ayatollah had begun questioning why he should bother pursuing the honor of martyrdom now. "What's the point?" he was said to have asked his advisors. "If I just get there and have to spend time with six dozen girls, how is that appealing to me in any way? This kind of ruins the whole thing for me, if I'm being honest."
Following the disappointing news, the supreme leader reportedly locked himself in his quarters to drown his sorrows with a Real Housewives marathon on Bravo.
At publishing time, the ayatollah's sexuality was further brought into question after it was learned that he was a Los Angeles Dodgers season ticket holder.
Dear FRiends,
We need your continuing support to keep FR funded. Your donations are our sole source of funding. No sugar daddies, no advertisers, no paid memberships, no commercial sales, no gimmicks, no tax subsidies. No spam, no pop-ups, no ad trackers.
If you enjoy using FR and agree it's a worthwhile endeavor, please consider making a contribution today:
Click here: to donate by Credit Card
Or here: to donate by PayPal
Or by mail to: Free Republic, LLC - PO Box 9771 - Fresno, CA 93794
Thank you very much and God bless you,
Jim
It’s really just ONE 72 year old virgin.
Wow! That is brutal! 😂
YIKES.
It does sorta sound like overload, a new girl every day for 2-1/2 months, then you have to start over again. And by then the first one will have been drumming her fingers impatiently waiting for you.
Hmm, maybe he's got a point, albeit for the wrong reason. How about, say, only six girls, rather than six dozen? One a day for a week, and take Sunday off to recuperate. Just sayin'...
That's impressive. But does it say what he did the day afterward? Hang it out to dry?
So you think it is Maryam?
My bet is he went through a couple of packs of Camels.
Thank you, Jeff Dunham.
I am not at all a biblical scholar, but I seem to have read that Maryam (Mary in Islam) had multiple children, of which only the first -- Jesus -- was a virgin conception and birth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the impression she had a more or less normal sex life after that first immaculate experience. If so, she couldn't qualify for a martyr's virgin, regardless of age.
Well the Dodgers did hold a ceremony to honor some drag queens a couple years ago.
> My bet is he went through a couple of packs of Camels.
That double entendre wins the thread!
I think the Ayatollahs have the option of 72 women or 72 goats.
I’d forgotten about that. They could’ve worked something in about the Minnesota Vikings as well.
In that case he's all set, assuming of course that they're male goats (billy vs. nanny).
Jokes on them when they find out islam is a scam
Allah is stressed. “Ali, we have run out of virgins. You’re gonna have to settle for the 72 gerbils we have on the shelf that were reserved for the martyrdom of Allah’s gay Ayatollah still in the fight down there”
Yeah 72 females.....
72 female nanny goats!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.