Posted on 11/27/2025 5:05:58 AM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God.
According to the Almighty, preferring ham on the fourth Thursday of November is a sure sign of reprobation and will lead to a person's eternal damnation if they do not repent.
"It is harder for one who prefers ham to enter the kingdom of Heaven than it is for a man to thread a needle," said Gabriel, a heavenly spokesangel. "Woe unto them who reject the grace of God by choosing the much-inferior ham to the divine goodness of Thanksgiving turkey, for theirs is NOT the kingdom of God."
According to Gabriel, all who do not fulfill the good and perfect law of God — even those who feast themselves on turkey with cranberry sauce — must repent of their sins and trust in Christ.
"Look not for the earthly turkey, served with mashed potatoes and gravy, but expect the heavenly turkey which comes down from above," Gabriel said. "Blessed are those who feed on pumpkin pie with whipped cream at the Thanksgiving feast of the Lamb."
At publishing time, heaven had also confirmed that those who bring green bean casserole to family dinner at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom, either.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
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No turkey in the Truck household. Beef stroganoff is the main dish. Very thankful for it!
Tell me you’re Methodist without telling me you’re Methodist.
Turkey, stuffing and mash potatoes; with a little ham on the side. It’s a buffet, gotta get my money’s worth. Oh no!
You can’t be serious, Sirius!
My very extended family loves the green bean casserole that I make, and look forward to it every year.
The recipe that I use eschews mushy canned green beans and condensed mushroom-soup-glop. Instead, it calls for fresh green beans and mushrooms, freshly minced garlic, heavy cream, and chicken stock. Even my two mushroom-averse daughters come back for seconds!
The recipe is no secret; google “Cook’s Illustrated Green Bean Casserole” to help track it down.
It is far-and-away the best I’ve ever had!
But does it have the crispy onion bits on top? Because that’s magical.
Try cream of onion soup instead of the mushroom kind.
We're having turkey this year though.
I was voluntold to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, which was fine becaue my SIL is doing almost all the cooking and wasn’t getting in until Wednesday, and we were here Tuesday (at the MIL’s). No fresh green beans at Sam’s or Kroger, so bought a bunch of Kroger canned organic ones. Then went to an off brand small grocery store for something I needed for Wednesday night’s dinner, and lo and behold! They had tons of fresh green beans.
So it all worked out nicely. Also using fresh mushrooms, sautéed first. And half and half, so sounds like a similar recipe.
Turkey.......with a little ham on the side.
You could “disguise” the ham under a piece of pineapple.
Better ham for Thanksgiving than ham to celebrate the death and resurrection of a Jew!
Pro tip - Costco and Sam’s have spiral sliced ham that’s less than half the price of Honey Baked and is similar quality.
Blasphemy! J/k
I’ve been turned off of swine since having to regularly kill them. They attack full grown cows giving birth and root up my corn. Transmit disease around here, too. Just a nasty nuisance.
I do wish they had never been brought to North America. It’s something around $2 billion in crop/livestock damage every year.
LOL...Thanks Babylon Bee...Having Cornish game hens , turkey, ham, yams, chicken breast, green bean casserole and 4 pies. Hosted by my parents...
guess i’m heading for hell, pass the ham please.
There are alternatives to HBH, and they are very good. We had one a few years ago and it was great. However, HBH still is #1, even if only by a small amount.
HBH did themselves wrong when they jacked prices to $120+ from $50 during covid. Their prices did come down, but they are still hovering around $80 when a Sam ham is $30.
Well, there is a huge difference between feral hogs and ranch raised. From what I understand the feral hogs are out of control in massive populations.
“Better ham for Thanksgiving than ham to celebrate the death and resurrection of a Jew!”
Are you kidding! Ham is perfect for Easter!
Is it okay if I bring a tater tot hot casserole?
It’s not Kosher!
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