Posted on 11/24/2025 12:38:20 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
The tell-tale yuletide sign began popping up around town early this year, as the police couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to start cordoning off scenes of horrific murders and blood-stained street corners with tape that was noticeably more decorative and Christmas-y.
"It brings a little bit of joy and childlike nostalgia to every deadly shooting," said Chicago Police Department spokesman Sergeant Ray Chapman. "People spend all year looking forward to the holidays, so it only makes sense to usher in the season with our festive Christmas-themed crime scene tape. It may read, ‘Police Line — Do Not Cross' in a literal sense, but what it really means is, ‘Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!'"
Local gang members likewise expressed warm and fuzzy feelings with each violent crime they commit. "Shooting up neighborhoods and killing people is different this time of year," said Jose Marquez, spokesgangster for the Latin Kings street gang. "When you see that Christmas crime scene tape go up, you know every bullet was like a heartfelt gift given to someone special. It's like we're Santa, and instead of Christmas cheer, we're spreading death, yo."
At publishing time, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced that the city would jump on the festive bandwagon by donating a new toy to Toys for Tots for every murder in the month of December.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
That’s absolutely hilarious!
I love the Bee.
At least they didn’t use the Black Watch tartan.
“spokesgangster”......lol!
I saw that too !
I saw that too !
😂👍
I was working at a huge company covering many acres under roof on Fruitville Rd and I-10 in Sarasota, Florida. There was a leak in the cafeteria roof. An engineering colleague and I went down as the coffee left at that late hour was free. We were alone and there was ribbon of yellow and black tape to keep people away from the roof leak on the floor. I asked, “you got your chalk with you?” “Yep.” I laid down and said, “outline me.”
Next morning I arrived to utter chaos. The lobby was jammed with television crews. A news chopper was landing in the field across the street, and the crew was sprinting. The female reporter pulled off her high heels to keep up with the camera man. As I pulled to guard’s kiosk I said, “What’s going on?” He said, “Apparently some people were shot in the cafeteria.”
Later the red-faced president called us all to the cafeteria. He paced back and forth screaming. Lots of people were looking at me but nobody said anything. (The company leadership was extremely unliked.)
MUST BE VERY ENTERTAINING TO WORK AT THE BEE.
LOL!! Excellent!!
LOL!
The wild part is that it could absolutely be true.
Graffiti on their bodybags and a lottery to pay for funerals.
Funny...as usual...
LOL!!
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