Posted on 11/22/2025 3:48:29 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
https://babylonbee.com/news/microsoft-introduces-convenient-new-47-factor-authentication
SEATTLE, WA — The Microsoft Corporation announced today that they've developed a convenient new 47-factor authentication protocol for all Windows-enabled computers.
A spokesperson for Microsoft said that the new unnecessarily complicated measure serves as the company's latest response to the ever-increasing need for digital security.
"Two factors just weren't secure enough," said Wayne Parkington, director of media relations at Microsoft. "So we went back to the drawing board to design a simple, easy-to-use, 47-factor security protocol that anyone can remember."
Starting today, users will need to enter their usernames and passwords to log in, followed by an authentication code sent to their phones. "After that," Parkinson said, "they'll just need to type in their email addresses, last 4 digits of their phone numbers, their mothers' maiden names, street addresses, shoe sizes, inseam lengths, amounts they say they weigh, their actual weights, hair colors, eye colors, nose hair colors, license plate numbers, names of firstborn children, middle names of firstborn children, Social Security numbers, favorite sports teams, left eye prescriptions, preferred toothpaste brands, toaster settings, credit card numbers, PLU codes of randomly-selected fruit or vegetables, high school GPAs, names of first employers, recommended tire pressures for their respective vehicles, pets' ages, family medical histories, TSA known-traveler numbers, European shoe sizes, heights (in centimeters), favorite Bible verses, colors of their first cars, favorite movie quotes, credit scores, blood types, skin colors, latest cholesterol readings, least-favorite pizza toppings, first pets' names, refrigerator temperature settings, 3rd favorite TV shows, streets they grew up on, dates they last trimmed their toenails, Little League batting averages, and first grade teachers' middle names. And that's all."
Consumers were already responding positively to the upgrade. "Honestly, this is simpler than having to identify all of the images with crosswalks or..."
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
And based on MS history, it doesn’t work!
LOL
That’s what they call, authenticating bigly.
Fo Seven!
What? No need to identify the squares with motorcycles or parts of motorcycles 27 times followed by nine tries at the busses in squares, 17 Greek alphabet symbols and back to 3 more motorcycle screens?
47 Factors? Wait, shouldn’t the 47th factor be.... Donald Trump?!?
For posting this, blamed you are not.
It’s just easier to get a job at the NSA where the badge lets you log into your own computer in one step ... along with everyone else’s.
i always forget what my least-favorite pizza toppings, and have to start all over again every time
"A Robot!"
The worst was the early capcha security protocol where they would have jumbled letters and numbers on a hazy background and the letters were curved so good luck telling the difference between a letter o and a zero.
And you have to have a different password each time.
My World of Warcraft account was so secure even i couldn’t log in. I had to contact support. Thats security.
I've been a galley slave to windows/various CAD/CAM/CAE sustems ever since DOS, but this afternoon marks the last stage of my conversion to Ubuntu and I've even got something laughing at Microsoft to read while I wait for the last of the backups to complete transfer.
Still going to have one desktop running a dualboot W10Pro/Ubuntu for old time's sake (actually only until I satisfy Grandma that none of the pictures of kids/grandkids/great-grandkids are missing) but based on my experience so far I wouldn't bet it'll be much later than Easter before that W10's locked down into a VM that is all but forgotten.
My final grades on Windows over the years: Did okay work once you got away from Windows browsers, "security" systems and the all-too frequent updates (vista etc) that were more PITA than they were worth.
"Must be a minimum of 15 characters to include three numbers, three capital letters, and three symbols other than !,@,#,$,%,^,&, or *. Two consecutive entries cannot match any of your previous twenty passwords"
And people wonder why we have a bunch of stickies on our display screens.
Yeah, those were/are awful! I still get one from time to time.
ping
LOL
If a robot can't figure out what a crosswalk looks like, why am I supposed to trust in self-driving cars?
I decided to try the DuckDuckGo browser on my computer and phone - amazing how many tracking attempts are stopped from apps and websites...I have an old desktop that I’ve left plugged in to keep the battery alive - It was a backup but I think it’s time to turn it into a LINUX machine and practice until I’m comfortable making the full move from Microsoft and staying away from the overpriced Apple - I hear Apple tracks less, but still gathers significant data...of them all, LINUX seems to be the least intrusive.
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