10 Surefire Ways To Lose Your Man Card

The Bee ^ | Aug 21, 2005 | The Bee

[dayglored]

The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys.

To guard against this spreading loss of masculinity, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of guaranteed ways to lose your "man card."

1. Linger too long on the soccer game while flipping through the channels: If your eyes cause you to sin by watching a gay sport, pluck them out.

2. Not really know what a "joist" is: If you don't know, maybe ask your wife, since she probably wears the pants in your household.

3. Go to therapy: Admitting you're struggling is the first step... to losing all credibility as a man.

4. Wear a San Diego Padres City Connect jersey: Even women don't wear that much pink.

5. Using any emoji other than "thumbs up": All other emojis are for ladies. Are you a lady?

6. Use a napkin: You've got a perfectly good shirt sleeve right there.

7. Moisturize: Soft skin is for babies.

8. Ask for help at Home Depot: Jesus, the perfect standard of masculinity, never once asked for help at Home Depot.

9. Fold laundry: Just wad them up and throw them somewhere like a real man.

10. Sneeze quietly: It's common knowledge that 190 dB is the minimum acceptable male sneeze volume.

If you've done any of the things listed above, it may already be too late for you.

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bathing; mancard; satire

[Az Joe]

That’s probably best!

[Liz]

Best.

[Az Joe]

Ok, Ok!

[Liz]

Mmmmmm....you catch on fast.

Maybe there’s hope for you after all.....chuckle

[shotgun]

The ones near me have them all on lockout unless you have the key

[Dr. Zzyzx]

I once told my friend that when the Home Depot guy starts to read the instructions on the can or the bottle or the box, I tell him I can do that just as well as he can and I send him off. My friend said, “I have him read them for me because I forgot my glasses.”

[aquila48]

“Real men don’t worry about lists of things that will cost you your “man card”.

Real men are comfortable in their own skin, and do whatever they bloody well want ...

Exactly! Nail on the head!

Or as Frankie would say.... “I DID IT MY WAY!!”

That should be the anthem for manhood!

[No name given]

Being Harry J Sisson.

[No name given]

Exactly.

[Aut Pax Aut Bellum]

Offering to give your wife a foot massage

You do know that often a foot massage gets a girl in the mood,don't you?

[VRW Conspirator]

Ask a friend if he wants to get a six pack of Bud Light and watch BrokeBack Mountain.

[MayflowerMadam]

Sisson is so strange.

[stevio]

Uh, it’s a means to an end.

[NelsTandberg]

The payback might change your mind.

[Huskrrrr]

I may rethink my initial answer.