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Posted on 08/22/2025 10:42:33 AM PDT by RoosterRedux
BETHESDA, MD — Federal agents raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday as part of a security probe involving classified documents. Unfortunately, the whereabouts of Bolton were currently unknown, as it was believed that he escaped by blending in with a nearby herd of walruses.
"I didn't know there were so many walruses in Maryland. Now we'll never find him!" FBI Director Kash Patel was heard saying at the scene. "Walruses. This job never gets any easier."
Walruses are not native to Bethesda, where Bolton's primary residence is located, on account of them being marine mammals that live near the ocean. But, according to sources, Bolton always keeps a herd of walruses nearby in case he needs to disappear.
Bolton has had a long and controversial career in government with scandals related to Vietnam War draft avoidance, Iran-Contra, planning coups in foreign countries, and being the product of Russian experiments to create the world's first human/walrus hybrid. Sources said it was only logical that he would keep a group of the marine mammals around as part of an elaborate escape plan.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
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Noo, many tribes o Sassenach tak great pride in their facial hair. Why, I’ve seen growths on an upper lip that would do a walrus proud. Walrus, laddie, ye remember, at the Calder Park Zoo?
Aye wi the breath like Uncle Alistair after a bad nicht.
These grand mustaches they wax and shape in tae curlicues, horns, or een daggers. Their beards they oil, braid, tie wi ribbands... och, sae fancy! And many of their men do the same things.
It was great before, but this made it stellar!
Pam! Pam, have the FBI check the metropolitan zoos! Before he completely blends in.
That’s funny!
I read the title 2 times before I git it...just tired...
So ya’re Scottish nu?
Or the walruses are?
I am nae Scots, but I am nae Sassenach, being more Irish than anything else.
https://www.tartans.com/official/royalstuarts/sassenach.htm
Dear Babylon Bee, your article is not as funny as usual. The reason is that Walruses are much more useful and smarter than John Bolton. If John Bolton was trying to hide amongst walruses, the walruses would tell the FBI where he is. 😀
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