Are Your Kids Possessed By Demons Or Just Normal Toddlers? How To Tell The Difference

The Bee ^ | Apr 30, 2025 | The Bee

[dayglored]

You wake up in the middle of the night to discover a toddler has silently been staring at you for the last hour. Is it your normal child... or is it a demon? Parents have struggled with this question for thousands of years. That's why we've consulted the brightest toddler scientists to answer the age-old question: is your kid demon-possessed or just a typical toddler?

• Normal Toddler: Their head spins clockwise like a top as they projectile vomit across the room.
• Demon-Possessed: Head spins counterclockwise.

• Normal Toddler: Screams in an unintelligible language while writhing on the floor.
• Demon-Possessed: Same, but sounds kind of Latin.

• Normal Toddler: Levitates when denied screen time.
• Demon-Possessed: Levitates when denied chance to watch The View.

• Normal Toddler: Masquerades in front of others as angel of light.
• Demon-Possessed: Same.

• Normal Toddler: Yells any known obscenities in church or other holy places
• Demon-Possessed: Can also yell obscenities in French!

• Normal Toddler: Tempts you to drink.
• Demon-Possessed: Just made you an Old Fashioned.

• Normal Toddler: Can speak perfect Latin (home-schooled).
• Demon-Possessed: Can speak perfect Latin (but not home-schooled).

• Normal Toddler: Leaves footprints on the ceiling, somehow.
• Demon-Possessed: Walks on ceiling but no footprints.

• Normal Toddler: Loves Bluey.
• Demon-Possessed: Hates Bluey. (SEEK EXORCIST IMMEDIATELY)

Wow! Pretty hard to tell apart. We think we'll go home and put on some Bluey.

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; demons; satire; toddlers

[dayglored]

Been there, done that.

[3RIVRS]

I woke up one night to see my grandson standing in the crib silently staring at me. I damn near ran to the kitchen for the salt and holy water.

[CatHerd]

How to know when your child has graduated from babyhood to toddlerhood: he has discovered the stuff in his diaper makes great fingerpaint.

[dfwgator]

"Well, young Mr. Bundy, the devil boy!"

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Normal Toddler: Screams during the quietest part of the church service.
Demon-Possessed: Screams during the quietest part of the church service.

I spent so much time in the cry room that I had my own assigned seat.

Weird but now that they are past that stage and have reached the point of being reasonable humans (mostly) I some times feel a bit nostalgic.

Don't miss the poop through.

[Tell It Right]

Normal Toddler: Soccer is his favorite sport.
Demon-Possessed: Calls it football.

Normal Toddler: Speaks in gibberish.
Demon-Possessed: Speaks in gibberish but follows it with "No joke".

[rlmorel]

So...Biden was not only a Toddler, but demon possessed as well!

[Dr. Sivana]

How to know when your child has graduated from babyhood to toddlerhood: he has discovered the stuff in his diaper makes great fingerpaint.

My three year old brother did that, and also recruited my two year old and one year old sisters to join him. (this was before disposable diapers).

[fella]

Is that head spinning viewed from the top or the bottom?

[TangoLimaSierra]

HA!

[CatHerd]

Wow! What anightmare!

My experience was also before disposable diapers, but the kid was still in the crib and not really walking yet. It was bad enough having to clean and disinfect the crib — I can’t imagine the horror you went through.

[bigbob]

Now do cats

[Beowulf9]

Normal Toddler: Screams in an unintelligible language while writhing on the floor.
Demon-Possessed: Same, but sounds kind of Latin.

😆

[Dr. Sivana]

I can’t imagine the horror you went through.

I wasn't even born yet. It was a family legend that was recounted I grew up, mainly to cast my brother as a born ringleader. My mother's Maytag wringer washing machine was working overtime.

[Aut Pax Aut Bellum]

Now do cats wives.

[dynachrome]

[dayglored]

I lost a mouthful of coffee on that one! Lol!

[dayglored]

> Is that head spinning viewed from the top or the bottom?

I would imagine viewed from the top. If you are sitting underneath the toddler when that’s going on, you are already in serious trouble.

[markman46]

Oh man it’s hard to tell the difference

[CatHerd]

Don’t you love family legends? The one about me:

Are you old enough to remember those awful silly scarves of minks (complete with heads supplied with little glass eyes) biting the tails of the minks ahead of them in the circular scarf?

Well, when I was three, I petted the head of one of those poor dead minks adorning my snooty great aunt at her ostentatious annual Christmas party, while exclaiming “Nice doggie! Nice doggie!”

The mayor’s wife, seated next to said snooty aunt (whom she dearly wanted to impress), was unable to stifle her laughter. Auntie was mortified and never quite forgave me. This tale is still told among surviving family every Christmas after all these decades. I’ll never live it down.

At least I’m not remembered for my finger painting. There’s that.