9 Great Investments To Help You Survive A Kamala Harris Administration

Babylon Bee ^ | Sep 17, 2024 | Babylon Bee

[dayglored]

You read the Journal. You follow the stonks. And now you're wondering how you'll possibly manage to get through four years of a Kamala Harris administration without going bankrupt.

Well, never fear, for the Bee is here. Forget whatever you read in The White Coat Investor and Millionaire Next Door — we've spent literal minutes of our time to thoroughly investigate the markets nowadays and here are our top picks. You're welcome.

1. Meme futures: Don't let anyone know you heard this from us, but they're going to the moon. SKIBIDI TOILET BUY BUY BUY!!!

2. Red hot pokers for your eyes: So that you can avoid all of the gay stuff to come.

3. Cats: They're already smoking hot right now — people are just eating them up!

4. Duolingo Chinese: Russian is a close second, but just trust us on this one.

5. A Premium subscription to the Babylon Bee: You want to keep your sanity, don't you? Go on — get a subscription.

6. Working in McDonald's: You'll be an essential worker and Tim Walz will let you still work during a pandemic.

7. Jewish beeper company: Business is booming for these guys.

8. Cricket farms: You'll be brilliantly positioned to become a major cricket flour supplier when meat gets outlawed.

9. Tampons: Hot tip from the White House says Tim Walz goes through these like a squirrel fired out of a potato cannon goes through butter.

Aren't you glad you've got financial experts like the Bee on your side? That's right...now go on and get that premium subscription — you know you want it!

[dayglored]

Caution: Bee!

[Tell It Right]

10. Invest in AI for govt contracts to scan through free speech to see which speech is “misinformation”.

[Tell It Right]

11. Earplugs will sell at a premium to quiet away the government cackling broadcasts.

[Tell It Right]

12. Condiments to cover up those juicy bug flavors.

[dayglored]

> 11. Earplugs will sell at a premium to quiet away the government cackling broadcasts.

I got rid of my last TV in 1975, haven't watched one since, and don't listen to "talk" radio including news segments. So I haven't listened to any "government broadcasts" in going-on 50 years. I read my news (these days it's FR of course!).

I'll be able to avoid most or all of Kamalaladingdong's cackling from the usual sources. I just have to tune out all the surrounding left/liberal friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, etc. who tell me I "have to listen to what Kamala said today!". Uhh, no thanks.

[dayglored]

> 12. Condiments to cover up those juicy bug flavors.

Personally I find raw bug juices a little off-putting, so I dry out my bugs first, and grind 'em up, sprinkle 'em on cereal.

I have a friend who says the juices are the best part -- he says when you bite down on a big one you get the crunch and then the juices run out, exactly like a liquid-center chocolate cherry.

Well, not -exactly- but ya know, similar. Kinda.

[READINABLUESTATE]

Bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon.

[Wallace T.]

You may be assuming that Kamala Harris doesn't drink up the nation's bourbon supply

[HIDEK6]

There is no way to survive a Heels Up administration.

[BenLurkin]

You should only invest in ‘best of breed’ stonks.

[Redcitizen]

There’s always the opportunity to invest in stocks for companies that sell masks for the next plandemic.

[MortMan]

...goes through these like a squirrel fired out of a potato cannon goes through butter.

I'm saving that phrase!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Hot tip from the White House says Tim Walz goes through these like a squirrel fired out of a potato cannon goes through butter.

Vivid word picture there.