Posted on 02/01/2023 10:43:23 AM PST by sodpoodle
I have seen this many times before, but it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Maybe THAT'S my problen.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical womans' bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children! A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! Send this to the women who have a sense of humor and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
One of my pet peeves is when a left-handed person puts the twistie-tie on my loaf of bread...
Men go to work and make fun of each other all day long.
They don’t mean it.
Women go to work and tell each other how beautiful they are
They don’t mean it either...
That’s because we can’t think of which way to twist it, so we twist it Both ways.
Actually, I think I’ve encountered that...
2005-Vanity Fair. Christopher Hitchens wrote “Women are Not Funny”. Here it is.
https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2007/01/hitchens200701
Like my dad always said: I do is the last sentence you will ever finish.
Except on some Chrysler products up into the early 70s, cars with spinner hubs, some heavy equipment and some military vehicles. Lefty tighty righty loosey.
OFFSPRING-When my oldest daughter was 6 or 7, we had to take her to the hospital. My wife went to the ER with her. I went to do the paperwork.
Clerk: “Middle name?”
Me: “Uh. Elizabeth?”
Clerk: Birthdate?”
Me: “Uh. April something.”
Thank you, sod. I chuckled reading this.
Like my dad always said: I do is the last sentence you will ever finish.
_______________________________
“I Do” is a lifetime sentence. At least it should be.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
Probably the most true statement in the history of humankind.
Did you tell them in the delivery room or did you wait until they were taken home?;-)
That reminds me of a joke our priest told at Mass one day. He said he had interviewed a husband and wife who were celebrating their 50th anniversary and asked what their secret was.
The wife said, “Well, before we got married, we agreed that he would make all the important decisions, and that I would make all the unimportant ones.”
The priest turned to the husband and asked if this was true. The husband said, “yes, but she hasn’t told me when there’s been an important decision to make!”
I have never met an unhappier woman in my life. All she (the mother) did was complain. As an aside, her father was a great guy...he traveled all the time on business.
I broke up with the girl shortly thereafter.
I saw her years later and she looked just like her mother. Unhappy.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
This honestly is the reason for most divorces (marriage being the only 100% reason).
Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.
In my experience, men DO change after marriage; often a lot, especially when they begin to have children.
“Except on some Chrysler products up into the early 70s, cars with spinner hubs, some heavy equipment and some military vehicles.”
I was a left-handed teenager on a military base overseas. On a cold, snowy winter morning, an Army lieutenant colonel in our apartment building was having a hard time with a flat tire on his military vehicle, a jeep I think. He was a desk-riding officer and small.
My mother said I was bigger and younger than he was and to go out an help him. I went out and he said the lug nuts were frozen. I grabbed the 4-way lug wrench and spun them right off. He stood there for a minute and then said, “You turned them the wrong way!” I answered, “Sorry, sir,” and went back inside. :-)
I was mostly sorry I had helped him, but my mother had been an Army sergeant and you did not argue with her. I had no idea the threads were reversed, I was just a left-handed klutz.
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