Dad Arrives At Vacant Lot Where Mall Used To Be To Begin His Christmas Shopping

The Babylon Bee ^ | December 24, 2022 | The Babylon Bee

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

MONTGOMERYVILLE, PA — Local dad Justin Simpson took a trip to the mall on Christmas Eve to begin his Christmas shopping, only to find a vacant lot where the mall once stood.

"Oh man, I've been coming here forever," Simpson said. "I mean, it's been a few years, but I used to love getting malts at the Woolworth soda fountain. Then my mom would always make us buy some educational books over at Borders."

A distraught Mr. Simpson had reportedly planned to shop for his entire family at the mall this year. "I figured I could get the older kids some MP3s at Sam Goody, then hit KB Toys for the little ones," he said. "Finally, it was off to the jewelry counter at Sears to get something for my wife. Where am I going to buy presents now?"

While Simpson talked, several other confused-looking fathers arrived at the empty mall lot. They all stared wistfully at the weed-choked rubble for a few minutes before aimlessly driving away.

As for Simpson, he had quickly moved on to his backup Christmas shopping plan. "I'm going to see if I can find a Toys 'R' Us for the kids," he said. "As for the wife, I suppose I can just take her out to dinner at Howard Johnson's, and then we can go to see a drive-in movie. We haven't done that in ages."

[Tired of Taxes]

Teens worked at the mall, too. Back then, I had a few mall jobs. I miss the malls of yesteryear.