Posted on 10/17/2021 4:45:04 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
and keep your money!!!
Phyllis Diller was damn funny!!!
Phyllis was awesome - from the days when comedy was funny! Loved watching her on Carson!
A friend of mine was a stand up comic and opened for Diller at a hotel in the Bahamas years ago. He said she was the nicest person.
Humor before political correctness.
Born: Jul 17, 1917 - Died: Aug 20, 2012 (age 95)
All the great ones have left us, but we have the memories.
“ Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
This is true humor. Most of today’s humor is just an expression of the left’s hate for us.
the father of a childhood friend had a room in their home dedicated to comedy albums. We spent hours listening to Cosby, Winters, Diller, Joan Rivers, Newhart.. A lot of raunchy comedy back then. Most of those records would get the Tipper Gore advisory.
Go to drybar on utube.
Funny clean scroll through until you find what you like
Kids will never have the pleasure of knowing this lady...
...or, be able to appreciate her.
More from Phyllis Diller...
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
And last but not least...
I had some cosmetic surgery done. I got tired of the dog dragging me out to the yard and burying me.
When Diller retired she gave some of her costumes to the Smithsonian Museum. She also gave them an index card filing cabinet containing more than 50,000 cards. Each card contained one joke she had written. She had never used most of them.
Brother Dave Gardner:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpaP8EzNR3E
Funniest female (stand up) comedian ever.
“When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That’s why I still take the pill; I don’t want any more grandchildren.”
— Phyllis Diller
‘You know it’s a bad day when you put your underwear on backwards ... and it fits better”
I loved Phyllis Diller, and both of my parents did too!
I was working for Reagan’s PAC, Citizens for the Republic, and attended a fundraiser in the late eighties. I sent Phyllis a photo of her and Charleton Heston from the party and received the nicest thank you letter on her stationary. She really was a nice person, and a great conservative.
She said her husband Fang went out, got drunk, came home and threw up on the cat.
He then looked down and said, “Huh. I don’t remember eating that.”
Bob Hope, Jack Benny & Diller. Some of the best.
I read a book by an author who worked for Phyllis. It was on how to write comedy. He’d be in her hotel room or back stage as they worked on new material. He loved working for her and said she’d taught him a lot about what was funny and how to present it. She helped him to develop and got him some high paying gigs.
You see people on TV and have a positive opinion, then you read not one, not two, but lots of stories quoting people who worked with them who loathed the experience. Not so with Phyllis. Also, unlike yesteryear, the celebrities themselves have direct access to the public. I think most of them use that forum in a way that loses them more fans than it gains. They’d be better off not talking off script, ever. I’d bet Phyllis would have a minimal or nonpolitical media presence is she were alive today.
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