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Jokes for Seniors
scary mommy ^
| 8/6/2021
| Karen Belz
Posted on 09/05/2021 9:53:14 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days… <1>I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street. <2>Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.” <3>Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications. <4>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–. <5?A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.” <6>I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. <7>A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard. <8>After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi. <10>Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.” <12>How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. <13>How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. <14>What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits. <15>Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one. <16>Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it. <17>Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. <18>If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model. <19>Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires. <20>What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. <21>There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down. <22>Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.” <23>What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. <24>A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.” <25>How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant. <26>What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor. <27>Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction. <28>When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore. <29>What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback. <30>Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration. <31>You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…” <32>The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. <33>Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. <34>I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is. <35>The older I get, the earlier it gets late. <36>One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” <37>Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” <38>I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough. <39>A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?” <40>What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays. <41>I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.
TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Society
KEYWORDS: jokes; smile
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To: Pollard
Lol! I don’t want to even get started on all the computer things I still don’t know how to do. You would think I was making it up. I know just enough to do what I want to do.
Sort of like when I learn a little Spanish, or thought I did.
To: CodeToad
“...Just use (1), (2)...”
That sounds like Lawrence Welk...
22
posted on
09/05/2021 10:55:16 AM PDT
by
JBW1949
(I'm really PC.....Patriotically Correct)
To: sodpoodle
“Bless you - I failed to fix it and asked the moderator to remove it - what a mess;-”
Naw...ignore the naysayers...it’s fine.
If I’ve learned one thing in old age...it’s patients.
23
posted on
09/05/2021 10:56:49 AM PDT
by
moovova
(Joe Biden...Making the Taliban great again!)
To: sodpoodle
Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days…
- I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.
- Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.”
- Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–.
- A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
- I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.
- After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.
- Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.”
- How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
- How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
- What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
- Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
- Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
- If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
- Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.
- What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
- There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.
- Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
- What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
- A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”
- How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant.
- What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor.
- Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction.
- When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore.
- What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
- Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
- You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…”
- The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
- I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”
- Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
- I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough.
- A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?”
- What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays.
- I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.
24
posted on
09/05/2021 10:57:15 AM PDT
by
Pollard
(#*&% Communism)
To: lee martell
25
posted on
09/05/2021 10:58:35 AM PDT
by
Pollard
(#*&% Communism)
To: sodpoodle
No prob one of the elite will fix it for you, after your chastised
To: sodpoodle
Ethel and Mabel tore me up, even w/o formatting.
5.56mm
27
posted on
09/05/2021 11:09:32 AM PDT
by
M Kehoe
(Quid Pro Joe and the Ho need to go.)
To: Pollard
Some of those I couldn’t quite figure out, but most of them were very funny. I like that they were all short and sweet.
Thanks for the Sunday Booster Laugh!
To: JBW1949
29
posted on
09/05/2021 11:12:27 AM PDT
by
CodeToad
To: duckman; All
Yup. Skipped trying to read that mess. Talk about lazy!
Just wanted to see what you guys thought of this mess too.
30
posted on
09/05/2021 11:23:10 AM PDT
by
Cobra64
(Common sense isn’t common anymore.)
To: sodpoodle; All
Q: What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls??
A: You walk him and pitch to the giraffe...
31
posted on
09/05/2021 11:23:45 AM PDT
by
musicman
(The future is just a collection of successive nows.)
To: sodpoodle
32
posted on
09/05/2021 12:59:38 PM PDT
by
Az Joe
( "Everything woke turns to shit" ----- Pray, pray hard, pray hard without ceasing for America.)
To: CodeToad
Thanks for fixing it Toad
33
posted on
09/05/2021 1:01:10 PM PDT
by
MNJohnnie
(They would have abandon leftism to achieve sanity. Freeper Olog-hai)
To: sodpoodle
To: sodpoodle
Run it through a word program like Open Office or that ms thing that costs $$$$.
35
posted on
09/05/2021 1:44:51 PM PDT
by
mabarker1
((Congress- the opposite of PROGRESS!!! A fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I'm a member of Congress !!!!)
To: ifinnegan
And you can hide your own Easter eggs.
36
posted on
09/05/2021 1:52:45 PM PDT
by
Lurkina.n.Learnin
(Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana )
To: sodpoodle
The parsing software saw the < and > characters and assumed this was html and did not format it.
37
posted on
09/05/2021 3:58:47 PM PDT
by
upchuck
(The longer I remain unjabbed, the more evidence I see supporting my decision.)
To: dblshot
LOL! He went out with a bang!
38
posted on
09/05/2021 4:31:49 PM PDT
by
telescope115
(Proud member of the ANTIFAuci movement. )
To: musicman
my boss told me that one 40 years ago!
nowadays, I believe they’re called pachyderm-Americans.
39
posted on
09/05/2021 8:20:56 PM PDT
by
Tymesup
To: Cobra64
Even if the jokes were formatted, I don’t think they are funny at all. I think Seniors have a better sense of humor. IMO
40
posted on
09/06/2021 2:56:52 AM PDT
by
duckman
( Not tired of winning!)
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