Jokes for Seniors

Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days… <1>I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street. <2>Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.” <3>Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications. <4>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–. <5?A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.” <6>I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. <7>A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard. <8>After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi. <10>Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.” <12>How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. <13>How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. <14>What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits. <15>Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one. <16>Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it. <17>Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. <18>If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model. <19>Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires. <20>What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. <21>There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down. <22>Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.” <23>What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. <24>A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.” <25>How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant. <26>What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor. <27>Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction. <28>When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore. <29>What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback. <30>Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration. <31>You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…” <32>The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. <33>Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. <34>I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is. <35>The older I get, the earlier it gets late. <36>One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” <37>Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” <38>I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough. <39>A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?” <40>What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays. <41>I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.

Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days…

<1>I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.

<2>Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.”

<3>Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

<4>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–.

<5?A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”

<6>I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

<7>A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.

<8>After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

<10>Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.”

<12>How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

<13>How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

<14>What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.

<15>Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one. <16>Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it.

<17>Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

<18>If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.

<19>Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.

<20>What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

<21>There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.

<22>Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

<23>What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

<24>A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”

<25>How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant.

<26>What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor.

<27>Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction.

<28>When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore.

<29>What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.

<30>Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.

<31>You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…”

<32>The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

<33>Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

<34>I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

<35>The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

<36>One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”

<37>Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

<38>I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough.

<39>A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?”

<40>What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays.

<41>I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.

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