Posted on 09/05/2021 9:53:14 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days… <1>I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street. <2>Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.” <3>Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications. <4>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–. <5?A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.” <6>I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. <7>A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard. <8>After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi. <10>Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.” <12>How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it. <13>How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. <14>What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits. <15>Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one. <16>Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it. <17>Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. <18>If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model. <19>Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires. <20>What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. <21>There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down. <22>Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.” <23>What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. <24>A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.” <25>How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant. <26>What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor. <27>Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction. <28>When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore. <29>What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback. <30>Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration. <31>You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…” <32>The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. <33>Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. <34>I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is. <35>The older I get, the earlier it gets late. <36>One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” <37>Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” <38>I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough. <39>A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?” <40>What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays. <41>I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.
More format problems - I am too old for this!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks!
“....And kids use to love climbing in my lap like cockroaches. And Cornpop would rub my leg hairs and watch the cockroaches... Comeon laugh you dumb bastards”
Yikes. My eyes, my eyes.
<1>I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.
<2>Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.”
<3>Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
<4>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–.
<5?A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.” She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
<6>I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
<7>A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.
<8>After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” <9>What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.
<10>Did you hear the watermelon joke? It’s pitiful. <11>A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.”
<12>How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
<13>How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
<14>What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
<15>Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one. <16>Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it.
<17>Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
<18>If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
<19>Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.
<20>What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
<21>There are four stages of old age: You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.
<22>Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
<23>What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
<24>A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring. “It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”
<25>How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband? Tell him you’re pregnant.
<26>What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor.
<27>Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore under fiction.
<28>When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore.
<29>What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
<30>Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
<31>You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…”
<32>The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
<33>Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
<34>I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
<35>The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
<36>One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”
<37>Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
<38>I’m not hard of hearing… I’ve just heard enough.
<39>A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over. The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?”
<40>What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? Gramma rays.
<41>I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens… The Soft Rock Cafe.
(because you used <> for the numbers, the web site thought the post was in HTML and not just text, so you needed to use <p> between paragraphs)
Swing anda miss...
One good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
***
I just saw an old lady help a Boy Scout, who was staring in to his phone, cross the street.
***
One good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
Bless you - I failed to fix it and asked the moderator to remove it - what a mess;-
Jokes for seniors
A senrior is formatting an html post and ...
Just use (1), (2)... instead next time.
“A senrior is formatting an html post and ...”
lol.
Complete with misspelling.
7 and 8 go together.
What do they call “watermelons” in Tennessee?
Watermelons.
That’s the beauty of being old...we just don’t care because we already understand.
Thanks for doing that!
When my grandpa was a young man his doctor told him to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. He lived to 97. He left 9 children, 22 grandchildren, 31 great grandkids and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
You missed 16.
Use a text editor and replace > with. And replace < with paragraph mark or break
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