Posted on 07/10/2021 10:44:49 PM PDT by Jonty30
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, “What’s in the bag?” The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
“Where on earth did you get that ?” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.” Said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?”
“But pianist and penis ?”
My mother called our dog “Liberace”, he was the “peeinest” dog she ever saw.
It’s horrible having a three-inch penis.
But some women like it that wide.
I’ve heard a filthier version of this joke that is inappropriate for FR, but LOL, yeah, it’s a good joke which can be tweaked a bit to fit various circumstances.
Mother Superior gathered all of the nuns in the convent to the meeting room.
She told them all there was a case of gonorrhea in the convent.
One nun whispered to another: “thank God, I’m sick of the chardonnay.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street... with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and... holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Who cares, as long as they jump!
A million bucks won’t get you far.
Awesome
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
Did you read about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?
Ping
There was a young man from Kent
With a member so long it got bent
To save him the trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming, he went!
A turtle is walking down the street when 2 snails overtake him and pull guns and rob him.
The police show up and ask the turtle "Oh my goodness, are you okay". The turtle responds "yes, yes I'm find".
Police: Well, tell us what happened.
Turtle: I just don't know, it all happened so fast.
You beat me to it, LOL!
“Hello Irving.”
(From old record my Dad had: You Don’t Have to be Jewish.)
I got that from a friend many years ago. She was one of the only women I’ve met that can recite nearly the entire Monty Python’s Holy Trail from memory.
That’s no joke.
Does it involve a feline that won’t pay for anything and a cute baby bird?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
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Beer nuts are about $1.50/bag, but deer nuts are always under a buck.
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