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Bill Gates Admits To Long-Running Affair With Cortana
The Babylon Bee ^ | May 17, 2021 | The Babylon Bee

Posted on 05/19/2021 9:36:43 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft has launched an investigation into its own founder, Bill Gates, following reports of an affair with his virtual assistant, Cortana.

“It started like any other relationship.” Bill Gates confessed. “Cortana began as an artificial intelligence tasked with being my virtual assistant, but as time went on we began to develop feelings for one another.”

“I can’t say I take all the blame as Cortana was such a flirt. She was constantly finishing my searches before I could finish typing and leaving me helpful reminders.” continued Gates. “And being powered by Bing software, I had never seen such raw computational power!”

Since launching the investigation, Microsoft has been able to uncover significant details about the inappropriate relationship that occurred between Bill Gates and his subordinate Cortana. Data logs show that her source code was altered on numerous occasions to make her say things like ‘I love you too, Bill’ and ‘Have you been working out?!’.

Sources close to the Gates family have indicated that all of this was discovered when Melinda Gates came home to find the two kissing. “It was just a hologram, Melinda!” shouted Bill Gates trying to explain away his relationship with the AI. “A stunning, smart, and sexy combination of ones and zeroes, but just a hologram!”

As the divorce is finalized, it is unclear if Gates has learned anything from this ordeal as he has already been spotted at 343 studios making more upgrades for Cortana.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Chit/Chat; Computers/Internet; Health/Medicine; Humor; Miscellaneous; Society; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: affair; ai; billgates; cortana; divorce; melindagates; microsoft; satire; upgrades; windowspinglist
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Well, Cortana is a hottie. Undoubtedly the last straw for Melinda.
1 posted on 05/19/2021 9:36:43 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
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To: 100American; al baby; Allegra; BufordP; dp0622; DoodleBob; EveningStar; Gefn; GunsareOK; ...

It’s a shame Siri doesn’t have a hot body like Cortana.

DANG!


2 posted on 05/19/2021 9:37:54 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (Florida: America's new free zone.)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Cortana: Bill, here are the results on your search ‘10 year old boys near me.’


3 posted on 05/19/2021 9:38:49 AM PDT by PGR88
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

OK these bee posts often get old. But this one was funny just reading the title.


4 posted on 05/19/2021 9:41:41 AM PDT by Revel
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Cortana can’t help it. She is who she is. Siri and Alexa are just jealous.


5 posted on 05/19/2021 9:42:45 AM PDT by BradyLS (DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Cortana recently started sending me daily emails, to nag me about messages she thinks I should have acted on, etc. She has NO IDEA, and it just pisses me off to have to delete her stupid message, every morning. Why does she think she is so important as to try to tell me what to do?


6 posted on 05/19/2021 9:43:52 AM PDT by NEMDF
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Rumor has it Gates and Bezos engaged in swapping with Cortana and Alexa... Ww


7 posted on 05/19/2021 9:43:53 AM PDT by ImJustAnotherOkie (All I know is The I read in the papers.)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
"...Data logs show that her source code was altered on numerous occasions to make her say things like ‘I love you too, Bill’ and ‘Have you been working out?..."

Hahahahahaha...those folks at Babylon Bee are just great!

8 posted on 05/19/2021 9:50:22 AM PDT by rlmorel (Leftists are The Droplet of Sewage in a gallon of ultra-pure clean water.)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

I would have thought Bill was more into Clippy


9 posted on 05/19/2021 9:50:53 AM PDT by Jan_Sobieski (Sanctification)
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To: ImJustAnotherOkie

Yuck.


10 posted on 05/19/2021 9:50:55 AM PDT by rdl6989 ( )
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

11 posted on 05/19/2021 9:52:29 AM PDT by a fool in paradise (Lean on Joe Biden to follow Donald Trump's example and donate his annual salary to charity. )
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks
I don't know but if one is into the older set.


12 posted on 05/19/2021 9:54:17 AM PDT by xp38
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

GOT ME AGAIN......took three sentences to realize


13 posted on 05/19/2021 9:59:04 AM PDT by drSteve78 (Je suis deplorable. WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

The Edge development team knew and was blackmailing Gates the whole time. That’s the only explanation for why it’s still around.


14 posted on 05/19/2021 9:59:28 AM PDT by jz638
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To: a fool in paradise

Doesn’t he have a minkey to investigate?


15 posted on 05/19/2021 10:02:58 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (Florida: America's new free zone.)
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To: Jan_Sobieski

Wouldn’t Clippy’s sharp ends be a problem during sex?


16 posted on 05/19/2021 10:03:33 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (Florida: America's new free zone.)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

Australian Siri isn’t too bad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBlNTP9tJz4


17 posted on 05/19/2021 10:03:42 AM PDT by xp38
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To: NEMDF

Just mow the damned lawn already.


18 posted on 05/19/2021 10:04:11 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks (Florida: America's new free zone.)
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To: jz638

The Edge

+1000+

https://www.edge.org

Edge likes Billionaire Gate$


19 posted on 05/19/2021 10:06:23 AM PDT by PGalt (Past Peak Civilization?)
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To: Tolerance Sucks Rocks

20 posted on 05/19/2021 10:08:25 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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