Posted on 05/07/2021 10:44:03 AM PDT by BipolarBob
Mother's Day is this Sunday, and you completely forgot. Oh no!
But don't worry, The Babylon Bee is crashing into your life like the Kool-Aid man. Except instead of bringing cool, refreshing beverages, we're bringing high-quality gift ideas for your wife since it totally slipped your mind. We got you, squad.
Play golf on Mother's Day so she gets 5 hours of quality time with the kids -- She will love you forever. She'll be so speechless from this gift that she might not be able to say anything to you for days. Give her permission to take the day off and just do all the chores on Monday -- Let the dishes stack up, honey! Relax a little -- there's always Monday. Dim the lights, turn on the TV, and whisper the seven words every woman wants to hear: "Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon" -- The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Get a vasectomy -- Once you have a full baseball team worth of kids, the snip is the most romantic thing you can do. Three words: surprise baby adoption! -- If the vasectomy doesn't do it for your wife, surprise her with the gift of a newborn! Or make it triplets if you really love her. Give your kids unlimited glitter and glue to make a card. -- Tell them to knock themselves out. And be sure to do it over the carpet. It's the gift she'll get to remember and lovingly reflect on every time she vacuums until the heat death of the universe. Play Xbox all day and dedicate every Warzone kill to your wife. -- When you snipe n00bpwnr69 right as he parachutes into the battlefield, put one finger up in the sky and say "This one's for you, babe." Don't get her anything, since she said she didn't want anything and you were definitely supposed to believe her. -- If she said she didn't want any presents this year, just listen to her. It will make her feel loved and respected. A fancy new spatula -- Nothing says "I love you" like the gift of a spatula. Frantically make her a card 30 seconds before she wakes up using a crayon and construction paper -- She'll love your vulnerability and honesty when you give her a card that you obviously threw together in a last-minute panic.
Format is my friend. What happened?
Pro tips included in this article!
Oy!
The rest is ok but that is down right evil.
I mean burn the house down evil.
Even if you do that, strip down, run through the sprinklers and buy everything new the glitter will follow you to your new home and sneak into your underwear.
Play golf on Mother’s Day so she gets 5 hours of quality time with the kids — She will love you forever. She’ll be so speechless from this gift that she might not be able to say anything to you for days.
Give her permission to take the day off and just do all the chores on Monday — Let the dishes stack up, honey! Relax a little — there’s always Monday.
Dim the lights, turn on the TV, and whisper the seven words every woman wants to hear: “Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon” — The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air.
Get a vasectomy — Once you have a full baseball team worth of kids, the snip is the most romantic thing you can do.
Three words: surprise baby adoption! — If the vasectomy doesn’t do it for your wife, surprise her with the gift of a newborn! Or make it triplets if you really love her.
Give your kids unlimited glitter and glue to make a card. — Tell them to knock themselves out. And be sure to do it over the carpet. It’s the gift she’ll get to remember and lovingly reflect on every time she vacuums until the heat death of the universe.
Play Xbox all day and dedicate every Warzone kill to your wife. — When you snipe n00bpwnr69 right as he parachutes into the battlefield, put one finger up in the sky and say “This one’s for you, babe.”
Don’t get her anything, since she said she didn’t want anything and you were definitely supposed to believe her. — If she said she didn’t want any presents this year, just listen to her. It will make her feel loved and respected.
A fancy new spatula — Nothing says “I love you” like the gift of a spatula.
Frantically make her a card 30 seconds before she wakes up using a crayon and construction paper — She’ll love your vulnerability and honesty when you give her a card that you obviously threw together in a last-minute panic.
I don’t give mother’s day gifts to my wife. She’s not my mother. The kids do it. Maybe liberal households are different since all liberals are motherf***ers.
I got a pop up ad today from Peleton saying to “Give mom pop rides and pilates”.
I’m not in marketing or anything, but that seems much more appropriate for fathers day.
I’m thinking Peloton is in the midst of a massive recall.
Make the spatula a surprise gift. Reveal it with a crack right on her hind end. It’ll be a fun memory every time she makes you pancakes with itl.
That’s I got my wifey workout shorts and a T Top. Way cheaper and lasts longer:-)
Your wife will really love you if you install a heated toilet seat.
I think it is a silly idea. I NEVER get my wife ANYTHING for “Mother’s Day”.
She is NOT my mother!
Even though she is “A” mother, of our only child, that also doesn’t make her MY mother.
Her/our worthless son will not get her anything for mother’s day either. Not even a card!
Time is fleeting. They will soon be gone. Do it NOW! While you can.
For all of you who have great mothers who are still living (mine is not) Get them flowers, tell them you love them, visit and spend time with them. They don’t need or want some clunky gift.
Nice idea but I am looking at a bidet. What with the toilet paper shortages and all.
Leave money on the table.
After a night of whoopie? yeah, she’d like that.
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