Posted on 12/31/2020 8:41:39 AM PST by Colonial35
Two Irishmen are sitting on the curb watching as the bank reprosesses their failed bar. Paddy sighs, Next time we open a brothel. Seamus grunts, If we can't get em to drink beer, how are we going to get them to drink broth?
I came home from work the other night and my wife was packing a suitcase, I asked
her where she was going and she looked up and said I read in my magazine that Women
in New York get paid $400 an hour to do what I do for you for Free. I quickly
grabbed my suitcase and starting packing a few things, she looked at me and asked
where I was going, I told her I was coming Along just to see how she manages to
live on $800 a year.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
Is it true, she wanted to know,
that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?
Yes, I’m afraid so, the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked
NO REFILLS.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
Yes, Dad , what is it?
Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife.
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in? he asks. I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.
Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?
That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery.
Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please don’t tell me.
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim?
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.
But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?
Well, no Brenda, no.
No?
Fact is, he got out three times to pee.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful blond woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate
student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round
crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.
I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk
9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside
they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.
I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I
woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and
call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time.
Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance
will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked,
How much will a brain cost?
The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a Democrat’s brain;
$200 for a Republican’s brain.
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try to not smile,
avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity,
finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the Democrats brain
so much more than a Republicans brain?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a
lot lower because they’ve been used.
I was standing at the bar of at an international airport when this small
Chinese guy came in, stood next to me, and started drinking a beer. I asked him,
Do you happen to know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?
He said No, I don’t. And furthermore, why would you ask me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?
No, I said, It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little twit.
JACK DANIELS TRICK
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper. The counselor asks,
What’s the problem?
The woman says, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for
no reason. It scares me.
The Counselor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry,
take a double shot of Jack Daniel’s and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish,
but don’t swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the counselor, That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started
to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.
How does swishing Jack Daniel’s in your mouth do that?
The counselor said, The Jack Daniel’s does nothing.
Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother told the girl’s father to find out about the young man. The father invited
the fiancé to his study for a talk. So, what are your plans? the father asked
the young man. I am a biblical scholar, he replied. A biblical scholar, hmmm?
the father said. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for
my daughter to live in?
I will study, the young man replied, and God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asked
the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replied,
God will provide for us. And children? asked the father. How will you support children?
Don’t worry, sir, God will provide, replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, How did your talk go, honey?
The father answered, He’s a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans,
and he thinks I’m God.
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese
and a Jewish Samurai. Demonstrate your skills! commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
What a feat! said the Emperor. Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box,
releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the
floor neatly quartered.
That is skill! nodded the Emperor. How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly,
drew his samurai sword and Swoosh! flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was
still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.
Dead, replied Cohen in contempt. Dead is easy. The fly is still alive.
But can no longer reproduce.
A Jewish grandmother was walking along the beach with her little grandson.
A huge wave came in and took the little boy out to sea. She could not see him,
let alone help him. She prayed and prayed for God to please save her grandson.
Lo and behold, the next big wave brought the little boy back, unharmed.
Oh, thank you God, she said. But, ummm, he WAS wearing a hat.
I was sitting at a stoplight. A police cruiser comes up beside me and the cop points and shouts “Pull over!”
I said “Thanks, but it’s a cardigan.”
LOL!!!
These are hilarious! Thank you!
On the local radio station they advertise generic viagra. Get your first month’s supply free.
“Well sure - how you gonna’ charge for no pills!?”
The Irish fisherman
The rain was pouring down.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, What are you doing?. Fishing replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, Come in out of the rain and have a
drink with me.
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit
of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,
So how many have you caught today?
You’re the eighth, replied the old fisherman.
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