I came home from work the other night and my wife was packing a suitcase, I asked
her where she was going and she looked up and said I read in my magazine that Women
in New York get paid $400 an hour to do what I do for you for Free. I quickly
grabbed my suitcase and starting packing a few things, she looked at me and asked
where I was going, I told her I was coming Along just to see how she manages to
live on $800 a year.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
Yes, Dad , what is it?
Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife.
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in? he asks. I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.
Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?
That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery.
Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please don’t tell me.
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim?
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.
But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?
Well, no Brenda, no.
No?
Fact is, he got out three times to pee.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful blond woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate
student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round
crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.
I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk
9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside
they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.
I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I
woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and
call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time.
Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance
will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked,
How much will a brain cost?
The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a Democrat’s brain;
$200 for a Republican’s brain.
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try to not smile,
avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity,
finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the Democrats brain
so much more than a Republicans brain?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a
lot lower because they’ve been used.
I was standing at the bar of at an international airport when this small
Chinese guy came in, stood next to me, and started drinking a beer. I asked him,
Do you happen to know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?
He said No, I don’t. And furthermore, why would you ask me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?
No, I said, It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little twit.
JACK DANIELS TRICK
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper. The counselor asks,
What’s the problem?
The woman says, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for
no reason. It scares me.
The Counselor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry,
take a double shot of Jack Daniel’s and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish,
but don’t swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the counselor, That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started
to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.
How does swishing Jack Daniel’s in your mouth do that?
The counselor said, The Jack Daniel’s does nothing.
Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother told the girl’s father to find out about the young man. The father invited
the fiancé to his study for a talk. So, what are your plans? the father asked
the young man. I am a biblical scholar, he replied. A biblical scholar, hmmm?
the father said. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for
my daughter to live in?
I will study, the young man replied, and God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asked
the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replied,
God will provide for us. And children? asked the father. How will you support children?
Don’t worry, sir, God will provide, replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, How did your talk go, honey?
The father answered, He’s a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans,
and he thinks I’m God.
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese
and a Jewish Samurai. Demonstrate your skills! commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
What a feat! said the Emperor. Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box,
releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the
floor neatly quartered.
That is skill! nodded the Emperor. How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly,
drew his samurai sword and Swoosh! flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was
still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.
Dead, replied Cohen in contempt. Dead is easy. The fly is still alive.
But can no longer reproduce.
A Jewish grandmother was walking along the beach with her little grandson.
A huge wave came in and took the little boy out to sea. She could not see him,
let alone help him. She prayed and prayed for God to please save her grandson.
Lo and behold, the next big wave brought the little boy back, unharmed.
Oh, thank you God, she said. But, ummm, he WAS wearing a hat.
Complete And Finished
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words. In a linguistic competition held in London and
attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Mr. Samdar Balgobin,
a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which
lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say
there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one
catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
He won a trip around the world and a case of scotch!
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. I wish to
live forever, I said. Sorry, said the fairy, That is the only wish that I’m not
allowed to grant. Fine, I said, then I want to die the day after Congress is
filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the
people’s best interests!
You crafty little chap! replied the fairy.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.
“We’re sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen” said the officer.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” O’Flynn asked.
The constable said, “I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?
Fearing the worst, O’ Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The constable said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”
“Jesus!” exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”
The constable continued, “When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, “Glory be to God, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?”
The constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow”.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
“I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat’em!”
“Same here.” says the big gator. “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?”
“I eat the Democrats” says the little guy.
“Ah!” says the big gator. “I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment.
You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat,
there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
“You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand ... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big
shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes,
I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said:
“If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your
sorry asses in jail for contempt.”
A man with no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland ,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,
“’Ave ya ever been F’d, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”