Posted on 11/13/2020 8:54:25 AM PST by Colonial35
GETTING OLDER A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, I'm afraid so, the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get
the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. Yes, Dad , what is it?
Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say, you don’t look that old.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know
why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and
I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says,
That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too.
I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate. The old guy says, Well, maybe I
can help you find her. what does she look like?” The young guy says,
Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?
To which the old guy says, Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores. “ Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
You gonna tell him or should I?
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!
The preacher said, Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.
The man said, I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars
in the offering plate!
The preacher said, No shit?
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband
in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say in her own defense.
Your Honour, she began coolly, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten,
or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,
and softly said, Wedding Cake.
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped
at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing. These, she explained, are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce. She then asked, What do you do in America with your old goats?
A spry old gentleman answered, They send us on bus tours!
A priest and a rabbi go to the fights. The main event features Irish Paddy Murphy.
As the bell is about to ring for Round 1, Murphy makes the Sign of the Cross and
genuflects. The rabbi asks the priest, Will that help him win? The priest responds,
Only if he can fight.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight
for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don’t put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy
and my face hits the mirror.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is goodbye.
You’re not fat, you’re just. easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
try missing a couple of payments!
A Fishing Story
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the
forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there
was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing
pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short
time I expect a huge rain storm.”
The king replied: I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated
and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him.
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell
from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means
with certainty that it will rain.
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions
of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Thus, the democrat party symbol was born!
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he strode purposefully into the kitchen
and announced to his wife, From now on you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is the ‘Law’. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve
me a scrumptious dessert.
He went on. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love
the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can
sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide
to have your ass cremated.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says,
You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils
of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, How did you do over the weekend?
Well, your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?
I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs.
That’s admirable, says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
And how did you do
Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
Wow! says the judge. 156 people! How did you manage to do that?
Well, I used a similar diagram, the guy says. I drew two circles like this: oO.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
This is your a&&hole before prison.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the plane rolled out on the tarmac, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the plane.
Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.
Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared
for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded,
Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
A very ill-tempered woman about to enter her senior years was arrested for shoplifting
at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from
the store. The lady defiantly replied, Just a stupid can of peaches.
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash or my credit card to the store.
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, Nine! But, at this point in time, what difference does
that make to you?
The judge answered patiently, Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days
in jail one day for each peach.
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his
hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, Yes sir, what do you have to add?
The husband said meekly Your Honor, she also stole four cans of peas.
My Stomach is FLAT, but the “L” is silent
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.