An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get
the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. Yes, Dad , what is it?
Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!
The preacher said, Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.
The man said, I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars
in the offering plate!
The preacher said, No shit?
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband
in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say in her own defense.
Your Honour, she began coolly, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped
at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing. These, she explained, are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce. She then asked, What do you do in America with your old goats?
A spry old gentleman answered, They send us on bus tours!
A priest and a rabbi go to the fights. The main event features Irish Paddy Murphy.
As the bell is about to ring for Round 1, Murphy makes the Sign of the Cross and
genuflects. The rabbi asks the priest, Will that help him win? The priest responds,
Only if he can fight.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight
for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don’t put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy
and my face hits the mirror.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is goodbye.
You’re not fat, you’re just. easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
try missing a couple of payments!
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he strode purposefully into the kitchen
and announced to his wife, From now on you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is the ‘Law’. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve
me a scrumptious dessert.
He went on. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love
the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can
sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide
to have your ass cremated.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says,
You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils
of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, How did you do over the weekend?
Well, your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?
I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs.
That’s admirable, says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
And how did you do
Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
Wow! says the judge. 156 people! How did you manage to do that?
Well, I used a similar diagram, the guy says. I drew two circles like this: oO.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
This is your a&&hole before prison.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the plane rolled out on the tarmac, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the plane.
Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.
Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared
for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded,
Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
A very ill-tempered woman about to enter her senior years was arrested for shoplifting
at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from
the store. The lady defiantly replied, Just a stupid can of peaches.
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash or my credit card to the store.
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, Nine! But, at this point in time, what difference does
that make to you?
The judge answered patiently, Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days
in jail one day for each peach.
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his
hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, Yes sir, what do you have to add?
The husband said meekly Your Honor, she also stole four cans of peas.
My Stomach is FLAT, but the “L” is silent
Panks for the thing!
In the 50’s, Seattle was a working man’s town. There were still lots of European immigrants and so, there were shops, bakeries and so forth that catered to them.
Along the water front, which then had many working docks, was a large commercial German bakery, Schmidt’s. Seemingly, everyone in town bought Schmidt’s bread. The Norwegians, Swedes and Finns all loved it as much as the German community! Many said there was just something unique about it that other brands did not have. And many more said it was owing to the head baker, Milton Walker.
Milton used to put the loaves in the ovens then go for a walk and a smoke on the water front, When he got to the same dock, as always, he’d turn around and get back to the bakery, to perfectly baked bread. Every walk was to the same dock without exception.
Milton became a local icon. Tourists were known to go to the waterfront just to see him take his regular walks during the day. Upon his retirement (at age 70), the city officials celebrated his long and iconic career by unveiling a plaque on the dock to where he walked and timed his delicious bread. The mayor, bursting with civic pride, spoke at the ceremony and proclaimed, “From this day onward, let this plaque celebrate the pier than made Milt Walker famous!!”
A fella is waking up after his surgery. He is wired up with IV’s, cables, an oxygen mask an he has a cute young nursing student watching over him as he comes around.
He asks her, “Are my testicles black?”
She says, “Sir, I’m just a first year student. I’m not really sure...” He cuts her off and mumbles with greater urgency, “I need to know, Are my testicles black?!”
She decides that if she is going to be a nurse she can handle this question so she lifts up his blanket, reaches in and examines him gently, front, back and both sides then says, “No sir. Your testicles are not black, they seem totally normal.”
He reaches up and slips off his oxygen mask and says, “Thank you, dear, you’re very kind, but I was asking if my test results were back.”
I once again enjoyed the “Friday Silliness Thread” even though it is Saturday.