Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight
for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don’t put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy
and my face hits the mirror.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is goodbye.
You’re not fat, you’re just. easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
try missing a couple of payments!
A Fishing Story
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the
forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there
was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing
pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short
time I expect a huge rain storm.”
The king replied: I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated
and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him.
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell
from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means
with certainty that it will rain.
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions
of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Thus, the democrat party symbol was born!