My Stomach is FLAT, but the “L” is silent
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART. Bob Hope.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.
ON TURNING 70 I still chase women, but only downhill’
ON TURNING 80 That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.
ON TURNING 90 You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
ON TURNING 100 I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING I ruined my hands in the ring.
The referee kept stepping on them.
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it’s called at my home, Passover.
ON GOLF Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.
ON PRESIDENTS I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL I feel very humble, but I think I have the
strength of character to fight it.
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold,
mother threw on another brother.
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff
the audience threw at me.
ON GOING TO HEAVEN I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter
on a technicality.