Posted on 11/13/2020 6:56:42 AM PST by sodpoodle
An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes, that’s it!"
The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh, Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve... so that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is:
If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others.
That is like the Rabbi who goes golfing alone and hits a hole in one. On Saturday.
Good one!
With my luck God would pull out my ex.(es)
Pretty impressive leaderboard so far.
Good one!
Here’s a classic:
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. On the last hole, they are all on the green, score tied up.
Moses has a tough putt, with a large puddle between him and the hole. Nonetheless, he putts directly toward the puddle, and as his ball approaches, the puddle parts in two, and his ball rolls right through, coming to rest 2 inches from the hole.
Jesus is also behind the puddle, but also putts directly for it. When his ball reaches the puddle, it simply rolls across the surface of the water, and comes to rest 1 inch from the hole.
The old man is barely on the green. It’s a long putt with many irregularities. He immediately faces away from the hole, pulls out a 9 iron, and rips a blistering shot back toward the tee.
As the ball reaches its apex, an eagle swoops down and grabs it mid-air. The eagle flies back toward the green, where it is struck by lightning. The ball drops directly into the hole.
Jesus sighs and says “Nice shot, Dad.”
I can’t believe Bubba Watson missed that putt!
He’s a local boy.....................
My friend Jim and I were putting on the 7th green when a funeral train of cars went by.
I stopped my prep to putt and removed my cap and bowed my head as the cortège passed by.
Jim said to me, “Mighty nice of you to pay respects...l
“I should, I said, I was MARRIED to her for fourty years!!
The golfer hits his tee shot which goes high in the air, lands on a cart path, bounces, hits a tree and winds up behind a barn.
When they get to his ball, his wife says, "Honey? If I open the barn doors you have a clear shot to the green".
The golfer agrees and after the doors are opened, he hits his shot
The ball unfortunately hits the barn, bounces back and kills his wife
Three years later, the golfer is out with his pal for the first time since his wife died
The golfer hits his tee shot which goes high in the air, lands on a cart path, bounces, hits a tree and winds up behind the same barn.
When they get to the ball, the buddy says, "Hey, if I open the barn doors you have a clear shot to the green"
The golfer said, "No way I'm gonna do that. Last time I tried it I bogey'd the hole."
thanks, I'll be here till Thursday. Try the veal and don't forget to tip.
Jesus and St Peter were playing golf...They came to par 3 with a pond in front of the green...
Jesus said “I saw Arnold Palmer hit a seven iron righ to the hole, so I’m hitting the seven...”
St Peter says “You ought to hit the five...”
Jesus hits the seven into the water...
He gets another ball and says “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can too...”
He promptly hits it in the water....
He starts down and walks across the water to retrieve his golf balls when the foursome behind them comes to the tee...
One guy says “Hey!!! Who does he think he is...Jesus Christ???”
St Peter says “Nah...He knows he’s Jesus...He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer...”
Ha!
One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.
Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. “Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this,” he says as he picks up a 5 iron.
“But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!”
“Nope. Arnie would use a 5,” insisted Jesus.
So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, “Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?”
“No,” explains Moses, “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
Got me by 4 seconds!
A few days later the coroner calls with a question. He says her forehead had "Titleist" on it. The golfer says yes, he was playing a Titleist. The coroner is confused why he found another ball, a Calloway, in her rectum. The golfer replied: "That's where my provisional went!"
It was a cold, wet windy Saturday in November. But the golfer kissed his wife on the forehead and headed to the country club anyway. Hadn’t missed a Saturday round all year. By the time he gets to the clubhouse, the rain is lashing the course sideways in a 30 knot wind. The course is unplayable so he heads home. He slips back into bed, nuzzles his wife and says: “It’s brutal out there.” She replies: “Yes, and my idiot husband is playing golf!”
Bookmark
Excellent
LOL...GMTA!!!!!!
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