****FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD*****

Two old cowboys, Will and Bud, sit'n on a fence telling stories and talking rodeo. Will turns to Bud and asks, "Do you think there's bull riding in Heaven?" Bud thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bull riding in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Will passes on. Soon afterward, Bud sits in on the fence by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Bud... Bud... ." Bud responds, "Will! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Bud," whispers Will's ghost. Bud, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bull riding in Heaven?" "Well," says Will, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Bud. Will says, "Well, there is bull riding in Heaven." Bud says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Will sighs and whispers, I checked the draw and "You're up on Bodacious Friday."

There’s an old joke about two Jewish women who reunited after a long spell.
One started bragging about the success of their business, their children, et al.
After each sentence, the other woman would simply say “Fascinating!”
and then the braggart would go on to new heights.
Finally the braggart ran out of talking points and asked what the other woman had done.
She said she spent the last few years at a finishing school learning new social skills.
“Like what?” the braggart asked. The other replied,
“Like saying ‘fascinating!’ instead of ‘bullsh!t.’”

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a fisherman in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
49.09 minutes west longitude.’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’
‘I am,’ replied the fisherman. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘ everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’
The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the fisherman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem.
You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow,
now it’s my fault.’

Dumpster-diving pays off again for Junior Cub Reporter Biff Spackle.

Full-name:
Please enter your real name, you will have an opportunity to make up names later

Do you have access to a car or other vehicle?
Yes
No
Don’t know/don’t remember

If No, do you know how to hot-wire an ignition?
Yes
No

If Yes, how many homeless vagrants or illegal aliens can you transport?
0-1 Coupe
2-4 Sedan
5-7 Minivan
9-11 Conversion van
12-99 Schoolbus
100-199 Semi with empty trailer

Do you know any dead people?
No
Yes

If you had to make up names for some reason, which do you prefer to use?
Dead people
Disney characters
Members of the Dallas Cowboys/NFL team
Cast of Beverly Hills 90210
Cast of Star Trek
Superheroes like “Batman” or “Underdog”
Other cartoon characters like “Tin Tin” or “Jonny Quest”
Names of cheap beers, malt liquors and wines
Series of random letters like “Aasdfasdf Aasdfasfs”

How would you prefer to be paid?
Cash
Check
Cigs
Cigs (menthol)
Cheap beers
Cheap malt liquors
Cheap wine (specify red, white or gray)
Crack cocaine
Cans of mackerel

When can you start work?
Now
Tomorrow after 3pm

If tomorrow, do you need written directions to remember how to return here?
Yes
Maybe

Why we love children

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
“That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied,
directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
“Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that s
on of a bitch is nine...” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
“What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
“What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied,
“Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked,
“And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s
daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.
“ The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
“The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said:
‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week! The following Sunday,
he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman
put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,”
he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money
and I give some of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful.
But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,”
she answered.. “That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made
that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada..... He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno ‘

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
“You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went
out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his
new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. He got up to
about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman
with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided
he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95
mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy,
I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to
the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can
give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”
So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman
and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her
back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”

Dear Tide Soap Co.,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I’ve used it all through my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the best.Now that I am in my fifties,
I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but It just wouldn’t come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket,
I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my Blouse were negative,
and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he’s dead.
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself,
I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night after they dropped him off from the bar.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch this” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood
looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
“You a**hole..it’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said,
‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great....that’s just great....
Some a&&hole’s got my pen!’

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