A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a fisherman in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
49.09 minutes west longitude.’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’
‘I am,’ replied the fisherman. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘ everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’
The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the fisherman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem.
You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow,
now it’s my fault.’
Dumpster-diving pays off again for Junior Cub Reporter Biff Spackle.
Full-name:
Please enter your real name, you will have an opportunity to make up names later
Do you have access to a car or other vehicle?
Yes
No
Don’t know/don’t remember
If No, do you know how to hot-wire an ignition?
Yes
No
If Yes, how many homeless vagrants or illegal aliens can you transport?
0-1 Coupe
2-4 Sedan
5-7 Minivan
9-11 Conversion van
12-99 Schoolbus
100-199 Semi with empty trailer
Do you know any dead people?
No
Yes
If you had to make up names for some reason, which do you prefer to use?
Dead people
Disney characters
Members of the Dallas Cowboys/NFL team
Cast of Beverly Hills 90210
Cast of Star Trek
Superheroes like “Batman” or “Underdog”
Other cartoon characters like “Tin Tin” or “Jonny Quest”
Names of cheap beers, malt liquors and wines
Series of random letters like “Aasdfasdf Aasdfasfs”
How would you prefer to be paid?
Cash
Check
Cigs
Cigs (menthol)
Cheap beers
Cheap malt liquors
Cheap wine (specify red, white or gray)
Crack cocaine
Cans of mackerel
When can you start work?
Now
Tomorrow after 3pm
If tomorrow, do you need written directions to remember how to return here?
Yes
Maybe