Dumpster-diving pays off again for Junior Cub Reporter Biff Spackle.
Full-name:
Please enter your real name, you will have an opportunity to make up names later
Do you have access to a car or other vehicle?
Yes
No
Don’t know/don’t remember
If No, do you know how to hot-wire an ignition?
Yes
No
If Yes, how many homeless vagrants or illegal aliens can you transport?
0-1 Coupe
2-4 Sedan
5-7 Minivan
9-11 Conversion van
12-99 Schoolbus
100-199 Semi with empty trailer
Do you know any dead people?
No
Yes
If you had to make up names for some reason, which do you prefer to use?
Dead people
Disney characters
Members of the Dallas Cowboys/NFL team
Cast of Beverly Hills 90210
Cast of Star Trek
Superheroes like “Batman” or “Underdog”
Other cartoon characters like “Tin Tin” or “Jonny Quest”
Names of cheap beers, malt liquors and wines
Series of random letters like “Aasdfasdf Aasdfasfs”
How would you prefer to be paid?
Cash
Check
Cigs
Cigs (menthol)
Cheap beers
Cheap malt liquors
Cheap wine (specify red, white or gray)
Crack cocaine
Cans of mackerel
When can you start work?
Now
Tomorrow after 3pm
If tomorrow, do you need written directions to remember how to return here?
Yes
Maybe
Why we love children
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
“That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied,
directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”