There’s an old joke about two Jewish women who reunited after a long spell.
One started bragging about the success of their business, their children, et al.
After each sentence, the other woman would simply say “Fascinating!”
and then the braggart would go on to new heights.
Finally the braggart ran out of talking points and asked what the other woman had done.
She said she spent the last few years at a finishing school learning new social skills.
“Like what?” the braggart asked. The other replied,
“Like saying ‘fascinating!’ instead of ‘bullsh!t.’”
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a fisherman in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
49.09 minutes west longitude.’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’
‘I am,’ replied the fisherman. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘ everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’
The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the fisherman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem.
You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow,
now it’s my fault.’
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he’s dead.
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself,
I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night after they dropped him off from the bar.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch this” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood
looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
“You a**hole..it’s three-fifteen in the morning!”