There’s an old joke about two Jewish women who reunited after a long spell.
One started bragging about the success of their business, their children, et al.
After each sentence, the other woman would simply say “Fascinating!”
and then the braggart would go on to new heights.
Finally the braggart ran out of talking points and asked what the other woman had done.
She said she spent the last few years at a finishing school learning new social skills.
“Like what?” the braggart asked. The other replied,
“Like saying ‘fascinating!’ instead of ‘bullsh!t.’”
I heard that a long time ago as a golf joke - punchline “Bad news - you tee off Thursday morning.”.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
“You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went
out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his
new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. He got up to
about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman
with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided
he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95
mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy,
I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to
the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can
give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”
So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman
and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her
back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”
Dear Tide Soap Co.,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I’ve used it all through my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the best.Now that I am in my fifties,
I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but It just wouldn’t come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket,
I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my Blouse were negative,
and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said,
‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great....that’s just great....
Some a&&hole’s got my pen!’
You started early today. I look forward to this thread evry week. Thank you!
Joe and his wife are standing in line at the bank.
The guy in front of them puts on a mask and robs the bank.
The mask falls off, the teller sees his face so robber shoots the teller dead.
Robber puts the mask back on and turns around to Joe and ask: “Did you see my face ?”
Joe replies no and nods towards his wife: “...but she did.”.
You’re up on Bodacious Friday.”
Grew up in the Mid-Atlantic area, traveled cross country several times but never made to Texas, nor have I ever been to a rodeo....but I got the puunchline about the notorious Bodacious.
Bflr.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the high school?
No, what happened?
They woke the kid up!
************
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.
Only real fans of the PBR will fully understand the punch line of that joke!!! Good one!
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar, and order a beer. Bartender says “We don’t usually serve your kind here, but I’ll make an exception because I’m in a good mood. Just don’t start anything.” (Sorry)