Posted on 09/01/2020 4:00:05 AM PDT by sodpoodle
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a day care centr e where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done . That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm r eading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
I created this one back in 2009...
I want to go parasailing with Sarah Palin, but I am B’Roke O’Bummer.
Judi Bonello
I will use these!
We refer to the medieval era as “the dark ages” because it was always knight time :-)
Thanks, I needed that!
Mayonnaise a snake next to your foot!
Since I retired I can to nothing well
Wish FR would allow corrections:
Since I retired I can do nothing well
I retired, but my life keeps going around.
I thought this was a thread about the new LC500 Convertible?
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
We turned our cities to char and ashes because Black Lives Matter.
Not funny?
Everybody knows that puns are the lowest form of humor. Nothing like 'em to bring out the inner child (and to eviscerate the wise).
The exalted will be humbled and the humble will be exalted:
Luke 18
15 And they brought unto him also infants, that he would touch them: but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them.
16 But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.
17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.
18 And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
19 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none [is] good, save one, [that is], God.
If the King James is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
After all, the Kingdom of God *is* the Kingdom of Good. It's the simple meaning. :)
Today’s word is.................fluctuations.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too.”
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
I have a few jokes about unemployed people… But none of them work!
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