Posted on 12/03/2019 8:05:11 AM PST by SeekAndFind
I recently got out of a relationship. That’s never an easy thing. In addition, Hallmark decided to make a feel-good holiday movie about it. Some of you may have seen it — “The Christmas Farmer,” it was called, referring to the guy my ex, Debbie, is apparently engaged to now.
It is what it is, but I don’t feel like I was fairly represented in the movie. I get it: I’m a New York City corporate attorney courting the small-town girl, but I thought she wanted to be a part of this world.
The first time I met Debbie at the Harvard Club, it was a talk on economics she was covering for the Village Voice. There was a spark. She was beautiful in this amazingly plain way. She was like the girl you venture into the Western frontier with. But she was so hooked into Gotham. I took the city for granted as the only place any reasonable person would want to live. To her, it was an amusement park.
I had no idea that Debbie wanted a family and had a deep desire to be a mother based on her own mother dying in a car accident when she was seven years old. When I asked her what her greatest ambition was, she said, “To be a member of SoHo House and blow a line off of Kate Moss’s foot.” That didn’t scream, “Let’s register for preschool” to me.
It’s only been a week, but, you know, I’m not angry about any of this. In fairness, I was late. I was supposed to be there on Christmas Eve for whatever that thing they do in the town square is. But listen, when Goldman Sachs calls and says, we need to do something now or the Dow is gonna lose 500 points, that trumps the freaking Mistletoe Festival in Nobody Cares, Iowa.
So I get there Christmas morning, having used like half a million airline miles to fly first class so I’d be refreshed, and lo and behold she and Scott, the football star who blew out his knee and lost his ride but was also friends with people in the band, and had a secret crush on Debbie since they were in the band together, and her real passion is music, are the Queen and King of the Christmas thing that happens in the town square.
So I grabbed the next flight — also first class because, come on — and headed back to Gotham. So as the plane is landing I call Topher, and he’s like “What’s up?” I tell him the story, and he’s like, “Dude, no? Seriously? We’re at Haven, come right now.” So I did. I got a Task Rabbit to take my luggage to my doorman and went directly to Haven.
Am I proud of my behavior that night, and in the ensuing days, as Debbie and Scott sipped cocoa in front of the fireplace? That’s a complicated question. I feel like Kant’s categorical imperative is on my side, but Durkheim isn’t? I don’t know. What I can say is that Baby Yoda could have skied down the mountain of cocaine I was treated to. Life has never felt so real.
A prominent Bolivian radio personality was in attendance, and this was a kind of pure coke that most Americans have no idea even exists. Scott certainly doesn’t, although Debbie does. No jitters. Just pure personality enhancement. All of us were the greatest human beings who ever existed, and we congratulated each other for being that.
The next morning, I found myself on a private jet with Elon Musk and Salman Rushdie apparently heading to Warsaw, which is like, one of my favorite cities. My Twitter and Facebook feeds were blowing up with the whole Hallmark thing. Some messages were supportive, more mocking me losing Debbie. But Debbie isn’t a poker chip, she’s a person. She needs to be with who she wants to be with.
Don’t feel bad for me this Christmas. All of this a great learning experience, and I’m living my best life. I wish Debbie and Scott all the best. In retrospect, it was never going to work out between us. Let’s go get the future.
________________________________________________________
David Marcus is the Federalist's New York Correspondent.
Thanks.
How about another game? :) :)
[from: HEADDESK — THE MISADVENTURES OF A LIBERAL BUDDHIST IN TEXAS]
The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game
Every time a woman cries, take a drink.
Every time a man cries, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone dies, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if they were murdered.
…take 3 drinks if they died of a chronic illness such as AIDS or cancer.
…take 4 drinks if they died of a mental illness such as anorexia, bulimia, or a drug overdose.
Take 1 drink for every TV or movie actor you notice before their career took off.
Take 2 drinks for every TV or movie actor you notice from after their career sunk.
Take 1 drink every time you see someone who was involved in an Aaron Spelling project in the 90’s.
Take 1 drink whenever a teenager becomes pregnant.
…take 2 drinks if she becomes pregnant by a rape or incest.
Every time a man beats a woman, take a drink.
Every time a woman beats another woman, take a drink.
Every time someone beats a child, take 2 drinks.
Every time a woman beats a man, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone falls into the seedy world of drugs, take a drink.
Every time someone comes out as a homosexual/transgendered person, take a drink.
Every time the main character gets divorced or abandoned, take a drink.
Every time the main character is interviewed by the police, take a drink.
Every time a baby is given up for adoption, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks when the birth mother makes a surprise appearance in the older child’s life.
…if this turns out to have been a bad idea, take 3 drinks.
…if the child is unhappy with his/her (oh who am I kidding, of COURSE it’s a her) adoptive parents and likes the birth mother better, take 4 drinks.
…if this somehow ends to murder, finish the bottle.
Every time a cheerleader appears on camera, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks every time one of them dies.
…take 3 drinks if one is murdered.
Every time a character is raped, take a drink.
…if it was a date rape, take 2 drinks.
…if the character was drunk, take 3 drinks.
…if the character was drugged, take 4 drinks.
…if this leads to a pregnancy, take 5 drinks.
…if this results in a legal battle, take 6 drinks.
…if the case ends favorably for the victim, finish your bottle.
Every time you see a subtitle to a movie (ie. Moment of Truth: Not Without My Handbag: The Lucious Divine Story) take a drink for each individual title.
Every time a main character becomes a prostitute or stripper, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if she’s forced into it by circumstances.
…take 3 drinks if she’s forced into it by a man.
…take 4 drinks if this some how leads to murder.
Everytime a woman has A Past, take a drink.
...take 2 drinks if this is obvious foreshadowing if what is about to happen.
...take 3 drinks if it’s foreshadowing her involvement in A Cause.
...take 4 drinks if it’s foreshadowing her future involvement with another woman who has a similar Past.
POSTED BY MISS MOXIE AT 6/27/2008 01:57:00 AM
I actually thought this was real for a paragraph.
A story from the point of view of the prop boyfriend.
-PJ
If you want to stay absolutely sober, only drink when you see someone’s breath when they are talking and snow is everywhere.
Anima schmanima! Whatever.
I still think it’s hilarious.
And if you positively absolutely want to stay stone cold sober - take a drink only when you see a POC on the show.
Or a Mexican.
Although there aren’t that many Mexicans in Canada are there?
UPDATE: My wife tells me that WAS a black character on a Hallmark movie recently.
Was he a tranny? A druggie? On Welfare? 5-6 kids by 7-8 baby mamas?
Of course not. But a (gasp) black guy none the less.
That was a running joke with my brother and I when we were kids.
“Why was Christmas cancelled?”
ANSWER; Cause Santa fell off the razor and cut his leg off.
Yea, I know its bad, but it made us laugh at the time.
LOL! I’ve seen so many of these I should have noticed that, but never did.
(I guess I was just all caught-up in the mushy romance...)
But in these scenarios, he doesn’t get dumped ‘through no fault of his own’. He’s usually a really materialistic, greedy jerk.
I think Marcus was making fun of the shallow and stereotypical characterizations in many of these stories.
” ‘Task Rabbit’. That’s a new one for me.” [PhiloBedo, post 4]
A way to get odd jobs done in the gig economy.
Think of Uber or Lyft in ride sharing.
Or Airbnb in short-duration lodging.
What do you expect from the guy who put protomatter in the Genesis Device ?
A Hallmark movie costs about $2 million to produce. No primo acting, writing, sets, or primo ANYTHING. It may take a month to make, and if an actor is in it, it is for exposure. If a writer is doing it, they need the money.
They are formula and eventually will be produced by machines.
DK
I don’t have access to ‘Hallmark’, but I’ve seen a lot of Christmas movies. Occasionally they are very well-done.
I like these:
The Christmas Secret
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0272046/
Prancer
https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/prancer-1989
(We bought a couple of very unusual European ones last year; can’t recall the titles, but will post later.)
I don't know how far the tradition goes back, but all these plots remind me of Reece Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. It's all there except for Christmas.
Hallmark used to sponsor very different stuff. The Hallmark Hall of Fame used to be a big thing.
I love Hallmark Movies!
They’re innocent, romantic, filled with hope, and the storylines are heartfelt and sincere, and quite enjoyable when done well!
Lacey Chabert, Danica Mckellar and Candice Bure are, to me, the true sign that Christmas is coming our way!
Ed
It was brilliant satire, by the way!
ONE we enjoy is “November Christmas” (Sam Elliot, Jon Corbin, Karen Allen). Addresses 6-7 conflicting interpersonal relationships. AND it has real snow unlike the past several years of Hallmark CGI snow.
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